UnNews:Video game characters are to blame for rising oil prices, New war on the horizon
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Video game characters are to blame for rising oil prices, New war on the horizon
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, February 9, 2016, 14:19:UTC)(
3 July 2008
It all began after Dr. Hank Hathanna discovered, while playing his extremely outdated Nintendo Entertainment System, while on his break trying to pinpoint the exact cause for the rising oil prices. It occurred to him that Donkey Kong throws barrels full of oil down the girders, in hopes of hitting Mario with them, and if he doesn't, thats okay, it will just end up exploding at the end when it hits a never ending fire in another barrel. Perhaps more oil burning?
An official statement from OPEC was released shortly after the announcement that video game characters are to blame for rising oil prices, detailing the actions being taken by OPEC to nullify its trade agreements with various video games:
|“||A-hem, yes, er... it is definitely the video game characters who are to blame for these rising oil prices. We have tried countless times to stem the purchasing of Crude Oil from these colorful characters, but our attempts have been in vain. Perhaps, now that this study has shown what demons that these video game characters are, we may finally be able to stop Donkey Kong's endless amount of oil barrels that he has at his disposal.||”|
The United States has begun working out plans with OPEC to assault these video game characters in a surprise attack, that will hopefully scare them into complying with our demands. It is unknown if another war will increase the prices of oil, but it is certain that either way, it will help in the long-run. No messages about this finding have been sent to the leader of the video game characters oil consumption guild, or the VGCOCG as it has been dubbed by the United States, for fear that they will expect the surprise attack, and be prepared with their armies (assuming they have any. Remember, Earth knows little about these people, and their customs.) So if you have been playing Donkey Kong, please stop. You are single-handedly killing the economy.
- Colin Campbell "Video game characters are to blame for the high oil prices". Open House, July 2, 2008