UnNews:Vice president Biden accused of infidelity
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Vice president Biden accused of infidelity
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, December 2, 2015, 07:06:UTC)(
14 January 2013
Washington DC, USA -- Scandal has erupted in Washington today, with rumors that US Vice President Joe Biden was committed infidelity. Vice Biden President Biden rumored to be having affair with your mom, in the kitchen, last night. Speaking on behalf of Biden, President Barack Obama denied the allegations. When asked why Biden himself wasn't responding to the allegations, Obama replied that the administration does not allow Biden near microphones, reporters, or any mass communication device.
One anonymous source close to your mom has denied these allegations, "I with your mom last night, fucking her, in the kitchen. While there were many, and I stress many, people there also fucking your mom, Joe Biden was not among them. I was with your mom all night long. I mean the whole night, from dusk until the cock crowed. And by "cock crowing", I mean morning, not a cheesy metaphor for ejaculation. But I did ejaculate last several times, in your mom, along with several other people. Anyway, out of all the people who were fucking your mom last night in the kitchen, Joe Biden was not among them. I even have the videos to prove it." Our reporter declined to examine the videos.
"Also, aging Rod Stewart was notably absent," said the anonymous witness. "Now, I can't say with absolute certainty that Joe Biden didn't fuck your mom in some other location. Perhaps he was hiding in your linen closet and did a quickie with your mom in the bathroom. Granted, such a scenario is quite unlikely, but I can't swear for certain it didn't happen. Likewise, Biden could have fucked your mom in the kitchen on some previous night. I only fuck your mom about twice a week, so that leaves 5 days in given that week that Biden could have fucked your mom in the kitchen. Additionally, Joe Biden could have fucked your mom during day. However, I have never seen Biden or his vehicle while going to your house for the purpose of fucking your mom in the kitchen at night. To sum it up, Joe Biden didn't fuck your mom in the kitchen last night."
Republican congressmen, however, are not convinced. Speaker John Boehner was sworn to lead an investigation to determine if Joe Biden did or not fuck your mom in the kitchen last night. Speaking about the videos allegedly showing your mom fucking several people in the kitchen last night other than Biden, Speak Boenher said, "This video supposedly shows that Joe Biden didn't fuck your mom in the kitchen last night, however, it is quite possible that Joe Biden could have been off camera. This is something only a congressional investigation can determine."
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|