UnNews:Vern Tesio: "I wanna be a youth for a role model"
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Vern Tesio: "I wanna be a youth for a role model"
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, May 25, 2015, 16:43 (UTC)
14 August 2009
Topeka, Kansas - Vern Tesio, 13 year old Onanist and Uncyclopedia fan, reported today that having read about Miley Cyrus in America's Premier News Source for up-to-the-microsecond information, he wishes to be a youth for a role model. Particularly her.
"She's a virgin, I'm a virgin. She has a big black friend, and I know of a black kid on the other side of town. She's waiting for someone special, and so am I. We seem to have a lot in common!", said Vern at an interview held in a bedroom that smelled...well, full of "teen spirit".
Miley, reached for comment, smiled indulgently at the thought of a romantic tryst with a child well under the age of consent. "Frankly, given his age, I'd think even my ear was too big for him, let alone any other orifice on my body. But it's sweet that he has such self esteem as to think he could even attempt a date. I'll have my agent send him my poster for my latest forgettable movie!" She then wandered over to a group of gangsta looking guys and left giggling with them.
Vern says that he's looking forward to the poster, which he'll put over his bed on the ceiling, and that he will not give up hope. "I saw this movie where a kid had cancer and wished for a date with a model.", he said. "So all I have to do is start smoking, and as soon as I get lung cancer, she's what I'll wish for! Uh, how long does lung cancer take?"