UnNews:Venus de Milo gets arm transplant

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Venus de Milo gets arm transplant

Truth doesn't "live here" — It's just camping out

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14 July 2007

Venus de Milo

After the successful graft of two functional arms, Venus bitch slaps the airport security personnel which lost her arms in transit.

At the cost of $150 million French doctors have successful performed an arm transplant operation on Venus de Milo. Venus had always lamented the fact that despite she has a body of a goddess, she had to suffer the appalling prospect of never having the capability of slapping men in the face for unwanted sexual advances towards her. "There are certain things that I can't do during intercourse," Venus said candidly, "whatever I need to do with my hands I must do with my feet, which some men find kinky, but I want to be a real woman for a change." Originally the French doctors had planned to transplant the arms from Hera, but after she refused Vishnu volunteered one pair of his many arms for this operation. "Come on, how many pairs of arms does a deity need?" Vishnu responded after the doctors asked why he donated a pair of arms to Venus, "With twelve pairs of hands I can operate the remote control, eat nachos, pet my cat and scratch my crotch all simultaneously while leaving my four other hands idle with nothing to do, what better thing to do than donate it to a goddess?" However, Venus was unpleasantly surprised after waking up to find hands of a Hindu deity attached to her, "Why are my arms so dark and Asiatic? I can't go to dinner parties with hands like these, what are my friends going to think after the see the arms of an ugly, vulgar Panjabi truck driver sewn on me by Dr. Frankenstein over there? Why do I have a suddenly craving for curry? I can't have these digusting hands which have put women into more positions than there are in the Kama Sutra, I hate this world, I hate you doctors, you can all go to hell!" When Venus makes such a threat she's serious, since her uncle is the president of hell, so the doctors who performed the operation are searching for sources of European-looking arms such as all the whorehouses of Paris. In the meantime Venus is tracking down Vishnu to pummel him with his arms, but so far Vishnu is like Elvis, nowhere to be found except for brief sightings at truck stops.

Meanwhile, admirers and critics which have held the Venus de Milo in acclaim are shocked seeing arms on the familiar icon. "Eventually I will get used to the idea of a Venus with arms, but it will be like getting used to a Dick Cheney with a heart or a lawyer with a conscience," a helpless bystander said while being attacked by journalist voracious for an opinion from a non-expert. However, most major art critics believe that the Venus de Milo was better left alone and not be mangled with transplanted arms. A famous art historian was asked about his opinion on why the Venus de Milo was so popular due to its lack of arms commented, "The alacrity towards the sthenolagnia calcite, with the celerity of the bi-subjective non-Kantian void which represents a transcendental existential struggle of post-structuralist, neo-Marxist struggle against the recursive nature of the..." He continued, unfortunately the journalist who was listing to him fell into a coma due to boredom, and may never recover. God bless his soul. Despite the fact that many feel that Venus had been mutilated by the addition of arms, she continues to pose for photographs and is more popular than ever in the fashion scene in Italy, and remain one of the ten highest paid supermodels in the world. Next month she is due to appear on the front cover of Sport's Illustrated swim suit edition.

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