UnNews:Venison Wars - Britain decides deer ruin everything
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9 March 2013
COUNTRYSIDE, UK -- Looming on the horizon is a plan that may lie in as much infamy as the hugely controversial badger culls of last year. While the badgers ruined everything by giving all of our cows Tuberculosis, County Councils up and down the country are culling for half of the deer population to be routinely killed every year because deer.
Currently estimated at around 1.5 million, the population of the six different species of deer is accused of many things that wreck our countryside, including: eating our shrubs, shitting on our gardens, making massive dents in our cars when getting run over by us, leaving their blood everywhere when we shoot them, and eating endangered species of birds.
Dr Roebuck and students of the Uxbridge University carried out an intense study of the deer populations late last year, concluding that the current bloodbath of 300,000 deer killed per year was not solving our acute problems, and that current strategies are failing. The study suggests that 750,000 in the first year alone could make everything much, much better.
The Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals issued a statement saying "[we] are opposed in principle to the killing of wild animals, but as long as we keep things scientific this time around, we're totally cool with this. We are all pretty fed up with deer"
Critics have suggested that this is not a one-size-fits-all solution, and that keeping the deer population stable realistically would require a much more practical approach such as "just getting rid of the things, and farming a couple to keep the farm shops and pub bistros happy" (Guardian). Union leaders have expressed concern that deer could take up to 30% of public sector jobs and pay by 2018. At least deer won't endlessly complain about pensions.