UnNews:Venezuela's Hugo Chavez Enjoys Weekend at Fidel's
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Venezuela's Hugo Chavez Enjoys Weekend at Fidel's
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, August 31, 2015, 03:31:UTC)(
15 August 2006
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HAVANA, Cuba -- Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez returned Monday from a weekend visit to ailing Cuban leader Fidel Castro. Upbeat after the trip, Chavez described it as "a hilarious two days of hijinks and camaraderie." The two presidents have been friends for years, sharing both a hatred for the United States and a love for 1960s era automobiles.
All of Cuba was in shock last week when Castro underwent surgery for breast cancer and hadn't been seen for days afterwards. Some even suggested he may have died, but Chavez laughed off such speculation, assuring the public that, "Good old Fidel is recovering quite nicely, and can even sit up when we prop him up against the bed frame." Castro himself was unavailable for comment, with Cuban officials saying he was "resting peacefully" and needn't be disturbed.
The socialist couple engaged in a variety of activities, including eating yogurt, rolling cigars, and trimming Fidel's beard. On condition of anonymity, one presidential aide said Friday evening the two may have had, "a little too much fun," and were reportedly seen on Fidel's porch downing tequila and yelling "Viva la Revolucion!"
Sunday happened to be Castro's 80th birthday, and Chavez presented him with a few gifts. The most valuable was a dagger once owned by Simon Bolivar, which Fidel promised to symbolically "thrust in the backs of capitalists." But his favorite gift was shirt from Chavez, made in his favorite communist color - red. The Venezuelan president sported one of his own, prompting hospital staff to dub them "the red-colored team of patriotic revolutionary leaders," which in Spanish is apparently much shorter and rhymes.
Fidel's brother Raul also joined in on the fun while taking a break from his duties as defense minister. The 75 year old Raul Castro was hand-picked as the Cuban leader's successor, being the only member of the family still alive and not in exile. But the younger brother claims his leadership won't be needed for a long time to come because "Fidel is as strong as caguairin." Confused reporters later had to research that a "caguairin" is some sort of tropical hardwood.
There is little doubt that Chavez truly enjoyed his visit, and he even hinted at returning to the island nation in the near future. "Yes, there will definitely be a sequel to my weekend at Fidel's," he explained. Fellow Socialist Bolivian President Evo Moralez also expressed interest in visiting Cuba(aparently he is jeaulous), saying he too loves "hilarious hijinks" that bourgeois capitalists so despise.