UnNews:Vegetables speak out against Suicide
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Vegetables speak out against Suicide
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, January 20, 2017, 10:09:UTC)(
11 February 2009
TESCO, ENGLAND A piece of Brocolli today spoke out against the rise in teen suicide saying that it is "getting way out of hand". The Vegetable came forward after the loss of a close friend, a Tomato, the week before. "He was such a happy fruit," the Brocolli said of his friend, "we could never have imagined this happening to such a nice, healthy substance". The Tomato died of 'self-induced sponateous combustion' - an all too common occurence among the Fruit and Vegetables department in Tescos.
"I don't think there's enough options for perishables nowadays," said an Onion who has seen the same thing happen "all too often, it's almost become a fashion trend". The store CCTV footage shows the Tomato, full of life, bounding up to his smiling friends before destroying itself. As well as the piece of Brocolli there was another vegetable at the scene of the event, police are interested in talking to an avacado, a mouldy aubergine or, alternatively, an unripe banana.
An anonymous Radish suggested that the tomato was part of an extremist group and the suicide was in fact a foiled bomb attempt on the Brocolli and its friend who sustained only minor injuries.