UnNews:Vegas hosts Abu Ghraib 10th anniversary reunion
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Vegas hosts Abu Ghraib 10th anniversary reunion
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, May 28, 2015, 12:46:UTC)(
19 November 2013
Las Vegas, NEVADA - CNN's Anderson Cooper has exclusively learned that the guards and prisoners who met during the 2003 Abu Ghraib Torturefest held a ten-year reunion over the Halloween weekend at Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas.
"The Russian government flew them in from all over the globe," reported Cooper, "and, sparing no expense, hired headliner Sarah Silverman to entertain the crowd. 'Remember Me When?' was the theme of the atrocity reunion, and taking the grand prize for the best costume was, surprisingly, Sarah Silverman!"
"They kept yelling at me over and over 'Where are the weapons of mass destruction, Professor Towelhead? Huh? Lead us to them right now motherfucker!!!'" Kahib said, "and I kept saying 'I dunno, I dunno!' but they couldn't understand English or something and they continued to ask me. And remember that time in sand camp when the photographer tied those steaks to our dicks and brought in the dogs!!! I practically shit myself."
"I did," Jamal shouted from the audience.
That brought the house down, and, breaking the ice, one of the Americans bought a round. An Iraqi general did the same, and soon everyone was good and soused and started shaking hands and then the slapping of the butts all around, and by the time Silverman took the stage the place was a drunken mass of former enemies. Even the dogs lapped it up and didn't mind when the revelers forcibly posed with them, being three sheets to the wind themselves.
"Torture? I saw no fucking torture," Sarah Silverman began. "I mean, does getting all naked and rolling around in a ball, being forced to masturbate in front of a laughing pointing foreign woman, and being sexually stimulated with objects including a truncheon and a phosphorescent tube, constitute torture? For me that's Saturday night. Now let me sing you a song."
And as Silverman danced awkwardly across the stage with a bad girl smirk on her face, badly but oddly appealingly singing a song about the irony of the land of the free invading the cradle of civilization while blatantly lying about why they came down with both feet, and how a couple of low level guards decided to photograph their own war crimes against man and nature for posterity, smiling every time the shutter clicked - and here Silverman did one of those wide mouthed smiles that she's known for, so cute you just want to grab her cheeks and shake them, then she runs across stage pretending to be smoking a cigar and starts imitating the big boys who actually ordered the torture but got away with it by making damn sure that the chain of accountability was cut at every loop.
During her dance, Silverman juggled what looked to be pork and held it and a microphone to her genitals to pretend that they and her were singing in three part harmony about when everyone was naked and ashamed and that one guy died.
The Ghraib's former guards and prisoners doubled over in laughter, slapping their knees and yelling "Stop! Stop!", and when it came time for the reenactments everyone complained that no, no, just more drink, so Silverman did another brief set before excusing herself to hit the waterpipe and get into costume.
Joey No-Thumbs, owner and the principled principal guy at Caesar's, came down from his office to watch the reenactments, and he couldn't fuckin' believe it, Cooper reported. He didn't want anybody to have to go through that, knowing how hot the lights can get at the Palace, so he stepped in and took over one of the roles. And he didn't have to hold the pose long, because as the reenactments went on, everybody slippery with sweat and the stench of simulated fear mixed with the odor of dog breath pumped into the room from canisters of air from a local Vegas strip club, the body piles and "standing on tiny chair with arms outstretched" hooded guy gave way to the Posed Diorama Competition. No-Thumbs got up and awarded the First Place ribbon to two former prisoners, a couple of reckless misunderstood youth who meant no harm really, even as they fondly recalled in their acceptance speech how the eyes of a young women caught walking alone without a man popped out like marbles once the stoning started.
"Next Halloween in Jerusalem!" Silverman suddenly announced to the crowd.
Anderson Cooper reports that music for the event was provided by "Pussy Riot", brought from Russia for the occasion and sent right back to Siberia as soon as the fireworks ended and the vodka ran dry.
- CNN's Anderson Cooper Reports
- Siberian Daily Express