UnNews:Vatican implicated in hostile takeover bid
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Vatican implicated in hostile takeover bid
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, December 4, 2016, 00:11:UTC)(
5 April 2006
“One of the Catholic Church's most controversial figures inflamed public debate in Italy with a typically off-handed comment -- and inadvertently exposed the Vatican's problems”, that according to FrontPageMagazine.com. Cardinal Renato Martino - the president of the Pontifical Council for Justice and Peace and the Vatican's former ambassador to the United Nations - said that the assimilation of large numbers of vaguely Christian splinter groups by the Catholic Church would bolster roles, increase the bottom line, and reinforce a bulwark against competing faiths. Of course, he said it in Italian, so no one was listening.
The Vatican has been in secret talks with Mormon church president Gordon B. Hinckley for almost 100 years. In crafting a coherent, comprehensive takeover bid for Christendom, each church has mapped out a territory of like-minded churches with the ultimate goal of a united Christian front. The Church of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) and a collection of other, smaller religious groups including Jehovah’s Witnesses, Christian Scientists, Adventists, and Raelians would coalesce into the "Screwball" arm of Christianity while Catholics would align with Episcopalians, Methodists, Baptists, Evangelical Christians and others would form a "Conservative Hierarchical Pederastic Dynasty". Neither Martino nor Hinckley were available for comment.
According to an anonymous source in the Swiss Guard, this convoluted plan was originally scheduled to occur in 1938. As the storm clouds of war drew close and the entire Eurasian Continent went insane, plans were postponed until the Germans had “got it out of their systems”. Unfortunately, the post-war era became increasingly one of reason, and God’s popularity dipped to unprecedented lows. A “spiritual depression” ensued, stock in churches plummeted, pedophiles were exposed, and things began to look glum for religions in general, Catholicism specifically.
Continued postponement of the “Final Solution”, an unfortunate moniker which drew fire from a comatose, muttering Ariel Sharon, seemed to be drawing to a close and preparations were being made to fleece congregations everywhere when Cardinal Martino let slip the Vatican Cabal’s plan. Even though it would be laughable to suggest that members of opposing religions would actually harm one another, the Mormons were charged with building up a nuclear arsenal as a pre-emptive measure. Swiss Guards have been training Taliban-style with the Mormons in the Western United States since 1958, disguising their operations as Area 51. As this story broke, a Latter Day Saints mole leaked plans for a “Cold War For God” strategy, initially aligning with Israel against Muslims and Hindus, then a squeeze play against Buddhism and other, smaller cults and religions.