UnNews:Vatican forgiven by Beatles

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14 April 2010

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Ringo Starr, speaking on behalf of the entire band, forgives the Vatican for most of their sins

VATICAN, Rome -- The Beatles have forgiven the Vatican for their "satanic behavior" -- but Ringo Starr, the legendary band's drummer, says they hardly deserve it. “Just look at their history! Burning dolly-birds! Boiling people! The Rack! Bloody-hell! What kind of religion is that?” Starr asked the media.

In a special album to mark the 40th anniversary of the breakup of the band, who singer John Lennon once claimed were "more popular than God," drummer Ringo Starr released a musical Bible, which, when played backwards, says that they forgive the Vatican, “in spite of their being so bloody certain that the earth was flat!”

Vatican spokesman, Cardinal Dominic, told CNN: "Did the Beatles say we were satanic or possibly satanic? – It really doesn’t matter because they forgive us! I think the Beatles are the best in history; Anno Domini, that is."

Dominic was speaking to CNN's Becky Anderson about the launch of Ringo Star’s Rock-music Bible translation called "Y Not," which contains the subliminal message of forgiveness

"I was sitting around in Church and a cute little choir boy whispered in my ear, ‘Father, did you hear the Beatles new Bible album? You’re forgiven!’ So I drop the boy, grab some money from the church collection and rush off to purchase it on Amazon." Dominic said.

"We had no idea so we played the album and it was just rock ‘n’ roll!” Dominic continued. “Then we played it in reverse and that's how it happened. We could clearly hear the message, ‘We forgive you, yeah, yeah, yeah!’ and we realized that we had been forgiven". At this point Dominic began to weep and cradled the child in his lap for comfort. CNN thought this outpouring of emotion meant it was a good time to leave so Andserson and her crew waved goodbye.

Starr responded to allegations that he had forgiven the Vatican by asking them to "back off" and he explained that he no longer hears confessions, including confession of the Pope.

"I just said to the Pontiff that I'm not listening anymore," Starr said. “But I will forgive you witch-burning wankers!”

"That’s what it was, a simple forgiveness, I'm not a pious man. I don't forgive much anymore, people say 'forgive me' and I just say no." Starr went on. “But when the Vatican begged my forgiveness, and the Godfather made me an offer, I couldn’t refuse!”

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