UnNews:Vatican decries "Miracle Bra"
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Vatican decries "Miracle Bra"
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, July 7, 2015, 03:08:UTC)(
30 January 2007
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"It's a good brassiere, but it's far from a bona fide miracle. Only the Lord does those, and I hardly think He works for Victoria's Secret. Sure, He works in mysterious ways, but that's just ridiculous. He's too busy putting images of the Virgin Mary on dirty windows and pieces of toast to worry about boobs." Ratzinger told Roman Catholics worldwide via his weekly radio broadcast.
"Again, only God and He, through His vessels on Earth, can perform miracles." he repeated, "The Congregation for the Causes of Saints isn't going to waste its valuable time investigating the alleged miracle of two scraps of fabric that lift and separate a pair of His most filthy creations, tits."
A conservative Roman Catholic who makes other conservative Roman Catholics appear practically liberal by comparison, Joseph Ratzinger's world-view is well known: protect the reputation of God's One True Church™, harass and annoy followers of false Gods, and prevent sinners from using condoms. "Rubbers help protect people from His divine will." he once wrote in his diary, "It is our hallowed duty to ensure that His will is carried out, no matter how much we end up spreading His loving misery in the process. Fornication for purposes other than reproduction is proscribed as the sinful sin that it is; bumping uglies while using any form of birth control other than the 'rhythm method' compounds that sin by helping to protect sinners from the consequences of His most dirty act."
The only form of birth control sanctioned by the Roman Catholic church is the 'rhythm method'. This is because it's a remarkably cheap and efficient way to get pregnant. If there's one thing for which the Holy See is known, it's their wicked, if dry, sense of humor.
He closed the chat by saying, "Man is His greatest creation. Woman is a distant second, an afterthought if you will. Fun bags aren't even in the top one thousand on His list of greatest creations. They're down at the bottom of the list, between Protestants and minge. Frankly, I don't see why He bothered to make them at all; I, for one, have gone through most of my life without them, and I'm getting along just fine. Heck, I'm the Pope for Christ's sake. If I can rise to this position without ever getting to second base, imagine what someone who isn't God's word on Earth could do?"
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