This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-microsecond misinformation.
21 September 2011
ROME, Italy -- Three members of the Vatican, including The Pope, went on trial for manslaughter Tuesday in Italy, accused of failing to predict an earthquake that killed more than 300,000,000 people in L'Aquila in April 2009.
Italian prosecutors accuse the three people -- two Cardinals and Pope Benedict CXVIII -- of "failing to heed the word of God, disseminate it, and warn us all of the impending earthquake doom." The city of L'Aquila is requesting 50 million euros in compensation.
Only one defendant was in court, Pope Benedict XXXCVIVXIC. "I thought it was important to be here, because this is my turf - in fact, the entire planet is my turf - Jesus said so," he told reporters.
"The charges against these religious leaders are both unfair and naive," a letter from The Catholic League said. The letter continues, "God works in mysterious ways, so how were they to know?!"
Lawyer Gloria Allred is defending The Pope. Allred said, "This whole thing is really fucking stupid. Can I go back on Dr. Phil now?"
Lead Prosecutor Al Capone said, "This tragedy was easily preventable. Pope Benedict XIV, like many religious people, knows how to divine disaster information by looking at clouds and seeing various shapes. Mr. XIV really should've known better! Oh, and Dr. Phil sucks. Fuck Gloria Allred."
Cardinal Tom Smith said in an interview with a local TV station that God had "reassured" him that everything would be A-OK, and that nobody should worry. He went on to explain that nobody would die, and that they none of them should pack their bags and go anywhere.
The interview concluded with a joke: "Meanwhile, let's go and turn a glass of water into a glass of wine," Smith said.
"Absolutely!", the journalist replied.
Six seconds later, the magnitude-6.3 quake hit the city and surrounding areas, causing wide destruction and loss of life. Witnesses compared it to the East Coast Earthquake of August 2011.
"Chairs were displaced, some even knocked over. Hell, my wife spilled a glass of wine," said a L'Aquila resident, Enzo Marconi.
The next date for the trial is set for December 9th, 2027.
- Livia Borghese "Italian scientists on trial over L'Aquila earthquake". CNN, September 20, 2011