UnNews:Various Kids With Pumped-Up Kicks Successfully Outrun My Bullet
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Various Kids With Pumped-Up Kicks Successfully Outrun My Bullet
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, August 30, 2016, 22:46:UTC)(
14 October 2011
Omaha, Nebraska - Much to my surprise, my attempt to take my revenge on society this morning was foiled when all the other kids with the pumped-up kicks successfully outran my hail of bullets.
Despite spending most of my month planning my vengeance on a school that has repeatedly made fun of my trench coat collection, and on girls who have failed to show interest in dating me, I found myself unable to so much as graze a single other kid wearing pumped-up kicks.
As I unleashed round after round from my father's Ruger Vaquero single-action .357 Magnum revolver, a rolled cigarette hanging out the corner of my mouth, I was astonished to find that the muzzle velocity of the weapon just slightly failed to exceed the speed at which my peers were able to sprint.
At this point, my highest priority is to acquire a pair of those shoes. Those are some high-quality shoes.