UnNews:Vampires March Against Genetically Modified Blood
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Vampires March Against Genetically Modified Blood
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, August 17, 2017, 10:11:UTC)(
21 February 2008
Washington, DC-Just as dusk gathered in the sky Thursday night, coffins popped open and hundreds of vampires marched in cities across the nation to protest the use of genetically modified blood coursing through victims’ veins.
According to Nosferatu in Washington, Baltimore, Boston, and Albequerquee, genetically modified blood is the primary cause of disease, recurrently haunting the vampire population. Demonstrators called on the United States Department of Health and Human Services to limit the amount of chemicals tainting vampires’ only source of food. The USDHHS, in response, emphasized its focus on human services.
The leader of Nutrition for Nosferatu, Ann Dedscinn, spoke at a mass rally in front of a blood analysis laboratory in Washington, D.C. where vampires were recently traumatised in perpetuity after drinking chemically altered blood.
“Sucking blood that isn’t cleansing to the palette is just pointless killing,” Dedscinn said flossing her fangs. She also noted the difference in taste between chemically tainted versus pure blood and encouraged rally attendees both dead and alive to sample from a taste-test booth.
Speakers at the Washington rally included Damien—who has been violently killing babies and women to suck their blood for the past 300 years—and vampire sympathiser James Van Praagh.
Dedscinn told the bloodthirsty crowd that as recently as 10 years ago, the average vampire could live off fresh blood for hundreds of years. But now chemically modified blood is rapidly decreasing vampire life span. Lower amounts of nutrition in blood are weakening vampires’ teeth and bones, making it harder for them to feed or scurry back into their coffins by daybreak.
Dedscinn also recounted incidents of female vampires developing ovarian and mental disorders as a consequence of chemicals in blood.
“We have no funding for vampires who one day might need an organ transplant or psychiatric care as a result of bad blood.” Dedscinn said.
Backed by signs with such slogans as "The Blood of Life" and "DNA ReVamp" the pale protestors, many of whom killed occasional bystanders during the mass rally, complained that popular stereotypes about vampires obscure the problem.
"Humans flee from us and accuse us of disturbing the peace.” said Susie Sucker, a Fairbanks, Alaska vampire who lives off wild forest animals. “We have to do enough in the dark already, how are we supposed to see who’s had a blood transfusion or not?”
The protest was largely peaceful, disrupted only by an incident in which a vampire mistakingly took part in an anti-abortion rally, fitting in perfectly with the largely pale and unattractive crowd until he tried to eat one of their young. Anti-abortion activists turned their torches on him, but were confused when their efforts did no damage to his already-dead body.
Scientists—present at the vampire rally—refute the vampires’ claims regarding genetically-modified blood.
"If you get rid of genetically modified blood, you get rid of genetic modification, which can help provide a surfeit of food and body parts for the growing population." said Dr. Larry Gunn, a biochemist with the FDA. "These vampires are just as picky as those damn vegans.”
Before Dedscinn could prepare a counter-argument she bit into one reporter’s neck, thus ending the interview.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|