UnNews:Valentine's Day canceled in Britain
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|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
5 February 2009
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|
LONDON, England — In the most shocking news ever to come from us across the pond, Her Travesty Queen Elizabeth II announced that Valentine's Day of 2009 would be canceled in Great Britain and replaced with a brand-new holiday: Schwarzenegger's Day. Nobody knew how or why the Queen would do such a terrible thing (or not-so terrible, depending on your point of view), so UnNews has infiltrated Good Britain and stolen valuable information for the purpose of bringing it to you, you ungrateful bastard!
According to the Queen's super-secret diary, Her Highness canceled Valentine's Day because her husband (wait, the Queen had a husband?) had recently divorced her, and she was feeling heartbroken, when some idiot asked the Queen what color of white dress she was going to wear for the Valentine's Day ball. The Queen threw a fit and somewhere in the conundrum she signed a law that forever banned the holiday from ever being celebrated in Britain ever again. Red-faced at the stupid mistake, the rest of the government tried every way possible to revoke the hastily-written law, but the only possible solution they could come up with after an entire week was to create a new holiday over it.
Now the government of Britain needed to find a name to replace Valentine's Day that would be close enough to the actual holiday that everyone could get used to the change. So, the government took a poll to find out who was the most romantic male figure in all of existence. The result defied the anticipated result, instead of the most romantic figure of Britain being a well-known romantic, 87% of Britain thought Arnold Schwarzenegger was the most attractive and romantic thing ever to happen to the world.
Despite the thought of Valentine's Day being replaced by Austrian Cyborg's Day, England is taking to it pretty well. In fact, there has been very little visible difference between Schwarzenegger's Day and Valentine's Day. The similarities are uncanny in the sense they're both based on real men, romantic concept, and nearly impossible to spell name. Indeed, the only ones really impacted are Valentine's Day cards, which now read "WILL YOU BE MY TERMINATOR?".