UnNews:Vader attempts to soften his image
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Vader attempts to soften his image
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, August 18, 2017, 18:37:UTC)(
8 October 2008
Deathstar, Cold void of space Determined to effectively obliterate all remaining Jedi knights, Darth Vader abruptly shifted tactics by employing kittens today. Political analysts were not perturbed by the move and expected it to lead to another tactical shift before the month is over.
"This is definately a trap- " Admiral Ackbar, recently outfitted with a carbon-fibre re-enforced trachea, asserted "I remember the five-kitten tactic well. Even advanced sentient life with gills will be drawn intuitively to huff at least one of these kittens. In mid-huff- it will be too late. The cuteness tentacles of the kitten will take hold of the victims face and will thus plant it's seed in the belly of it's host... it's spawn usually erupting fully grown from the abdominal cavity in about a week."
"No, " campaign manager Karl Rove insisted "it's not like that at all. Darthy-boy might appear to be a ruthless war machine with his roots in childhood trauma and manipulation, but he does love kittens. Don't we all?"
Vader, if elected, promises a kitten in every fully-armed battle station.