|This article is part of UnNews||Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard|
2 October 2008
DES MOINES, IOWA-- Darth Vader (GE-Coruscant), the Galactic Empire's candidate for President of the United States, held his first press conference yesterday in Des Moines, Iowa. According to sources within the campaign and eyewitness accounts by voters and reporters alike, it did not go well.
"I find your lack of faith disturbing," Vader told one man who had asked him about his chances of winning. He then proceeded to crush the man's trachea with his mind.
Vader fielded a variety of questions after that as those in the room seemingly disregarded the new corpse. While Vader's controversial plans to create a massive moon-sized battle station to battle terrorism has received a fair amount of attention, this time, however, he opted for a more moderate approach then we've previously seen."The power to destroy a thousand planets is nothing compared to the power of the Force," he said, prompting some confused applause and a couple of equally confused boos.
Darth Vader is perhaps the most controversial man in the race for the White House, with his admittedly awesome mask and loud breathing which he claims is required for him to live. Critics, however, retort that there is a far more devious purpose disguised in that pitiable argument.
"He's clearly trying to intimidate his opponents in debates," said Dr. Robert Smith of S.U.M University, describing Vader's unique argumental tactics. He indicated Vader's first debate, wherein Vader would lean in close to his opponent during the man's responses. Indeed, it seemed to throw the man off, even prompting him to swear at Vader.
The man's trachea was found crushed the day after.
Vader's temper has become a central focus of his opponents' smear campaigns. Republican nominee for President John McCain has called him "reckless", "impatient", and "volcanic". When a reporter asked him to elaborate, McCain told him to "go fuck [himself]," and then retreated into his trailer.
Barack Obama, the Democratic nominee, has displayed a much different opinion of the new challenger.
"I think he's cool. He's black too" the former Harvard Law professor confessed in an interview. He then proceeded to imitate a lightsaber, concluding, "Neeeeew-aaaaaahhhsheeeew."