UnNews:Vader, Calrissian Face Off in Second Debate
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Vader, Calrissian Face Off in Second Debate
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, September 5, 2015, 13:11:UTC)(
13 October 2008
NASHVILLE, TN--Just two weeks after Darth Vader (GE-Coruscant) lost his temper in the now-infamous Des Moines press conference, the Tatooine native found himself facing Lando Calrissian (NR-Bespin) in the second debate since the general election began roughly three months ago. Tension has been palpable in the analysis of Imperial strategists as the debate approached. One prominent analyst, the esteemed Grand Moff Tarkin, foretold a landslide New Republic victory if Vader didn't radically change his style and "appeal more directly to voters."
"He's come across as too menacing," Tarkin told UnNews recently. "He has to soften his approach."
Another strategist, former President Palpatine from Naboo (Vader served as his Vice President eight years ago), took a more tactless approach. "He has to seem more white," he told UnNews. "You know, he actually is white, but that mask kind of throws you off. So he had to off-put that effect and come across as really, REALLY white. Because quite frankly, Calrissian is black. People would much rather choose the white guy."So did he do it?
The reviews have been mixed.
The debate itself was a tepid affair. Neither Calrissian nor Vader took steps towards radically changing their approach to core issues. Calrissian maintained a staunch opposition to the Imperialisation of Bespin, an issue that has consumed many voters since current Imperial President Thrawn raised the idea two years ago. Vader offered his typical hard-line approach to immigration, stating that all non-humans should be shipped away immediately to their planets of origin and kept there indefinitely.
One key difference emerged between the candidates on the role of government, however. Vader claimed that he wanted to create a "benevolent empire", a strong but gentle patron of Americans. Calrissian, on the other hand, proposed that government be purely republican, where public officials vote on issues.
Flash polls that came out immediately following the debate showed a clear win for Calrissian, 64% to 25%. These numbers follow current polling trends that show Calrissian ahead nationwide by 10 points, 53%-43%.
UnNews' verdict? A tie. Vader didn't radically change his image, and while time is running short for him to do so, he still didn't flop and showed a decent grasp on the issues--he didn't chase away those voters who think he's just plain awesome. Calrissian did what he had to do: show knowledge and not change the dynamic of the race in Vader's favor.
As the election looms, 21 days out, Vader's battle has become very uphill. It is up to his campaign to meet that challenge. -->