|This article is part of UnNews||A newsstand that's brimming with issues|
9 March 2008
WASHINGTON D.C., USA -- In a shocking move today, the American Congress unilaterally passed a bill replacing America's old official animal, the bald eagle, with a vacuum cleaner, something congress describes as "An animal much more consistent with the American lifestyle."
"It was all my idea," says Arkansas senator Ted Stevens, "I was watching a heated debate between a democratic senator and a lobbyist for an oil company. It went something like this: 'Can we impose more regulation and try and make the United States more environmentally friendly?' 'NO!' 'Okay.' It sure as hell was a heated exchange. And suddenly I thought to myself 'Why the hell is the eagle our national symbol?'"
Stevens brought this up at the next meeting (four months later--senators have very busy schedules), and there was a remarkable consent amongst all the senators and congressmen that the eagle should most definitely not be America's official animal. "Even the fact that we HAVE a national animal kind of bothers me," said an Ohio representative to tumultuous applause, "I mean, it implies that we actually CARE about the natural world! We don't want to be giving other countries the wrong impression, do we?"
The longer they talked about the issue, the more they unanimously agreed. Even Dick Cheney stopped in to contribute to the discussion: "Oh yeah, you should definitely change it. I mean, come on, eagles? Eagles are just morbidly obese pigeons. They're useless. They don't provide us food like cows and pigs...I went to see one at a zoo once, and it was boring as hell. It didn't even have fangs. It was so dissapointing."
The final confirmation of their resentment of the eagle came when new statistics revealed that 60% of Americans don't actually know what an eagle is. "When that fact was disclosed, we knew for sure we had to make some sort of change," says senator Barack Obama, "Oh, did you hear me say the word 'change'? Here, I'll say it again, in case you didn't pick up on it: CHANGE!!! CHANGE CHANGE CHANGE!!! Yeah, so anyway, we started batting around new ideas for a national animal."
It was senator Russ Feingold of Wisconsin who finally suggested the idea that Congress unanimously backed: replacing the eagle with the vacuum cleaner. "I thought about how gorgeous a glistening, electronic, expensive vacuum would look on American currency, and it brought tears to my eyes," says Feingold. The change was implemented immediately, and eagles have now been declared fair game for hunters. They are expected to go extinct at some point in the next week.
The feelings that members of Congress have on the Roomba is yet to be determined. Mrs. Pennyapple, a Rhode Island Nanny, said "I believe that the animal of America should be the vacuum because I use it to clean out the old vag and is used by many others for the same reason. She, of course, is oblivious to the fact that the vacuum cleaner is not the correct tool for cleaning the vagina; it is, in fact, the garden hose.
Nobody in Congress seemed to realize that vacuum cleaners are, in fact, not animals, because they don't respond to stimulous and can't reproduce (with each other, anyway. It's possible for humans to have sex with vacuums...it's quite fun, actually...but I won't get into that right now). This was pointed out to president Bush as he patriotically raised an American flag with a beautiful vacuum cleaner (complete with a Wal-Mart price tag) superimposed on it. He said: "Oh...vacuum cleaners aren't animals? But...they roar! Oh well, I guess we'll make the national animal a microwave oven instead."
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|