UnNews:Utah cops return stolen gun to ingrate
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Utah cops return stolen gun to ingrate
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, August 23, 2017, 19:47:UTC)(
13 December 2014
In 1977, when Richard Pittenger was 16 years old, he was out on a date when someone broke into his truck and stole his shotgun. On Wednesday, it turned up at an Oregon sporting-goods store and police matched the serial numbers, the Associated Press reported.
The AP did not report what the Oregon store was doing trying to pass off 37-year-old merchandise as new, nor how someone steals a weapon out of the lock box in the bed of a pick-up truck when its owner is getting it on with a date inside the truck. But it did report that Pittenger's first reaction was to grouse that, "I wish they could return my youth rather than just the gun." Salt Lake City police state that that would require a more detailed written request, a criminal background check, and a 30-day wait to see if anyone else claimed his youth.
The discovery of a gun-clinging member of the right wing who fits the all-take-no-give, demanding stereotype of the left wing is a coup for the AP wire service, which is always looking for a good man-bites-dog story even if it doesn't disparage gun owners. It could even be of use to Al Sharpton in his current campaign to paint a horrifying picture of an America filled with racists.
The 53-year-old Pittenger's desperation to get his youth back comes as he puts the finishing touches on his first rock opera, trying to beat an advancing case of tone-deafness and irrelevance.
The date from 1977 is now Mrs. Dorothy Pittenger, courtesy of a tradition in America's Mormon Homeland that also involves a shotgun. For her part, she grumbled that the police ought to give her back her virginity.
- Kellan Howell "Stolen shotgun returned after 37 years: ‘I wish they could return my youth’". Washington Times, December 13, 2014