This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-microsecond misinformation.
18 February 2013
SILICON VALLEY, California -- Months after Facebook released its commercial campaign of The Things That Connect Us in which chairs are blatantly likened to the popular social networking site, millions of people worldwide realized that Facebook is about as worthless as the average chair. This realization came to many Facebook users as they sat down in chairs big, small, soft, or metallic all across the globe to check on their meaningless internet lives. This planet-wide epiphany has led to serious repercussions for the social networking empire as stock in Facebook, Inc. fell in billions of dollars while investments in furniture have quadrupled.
The advertisement stated that since chairs are for people, "chairs are like Facebook." But because chairs are like Facebook, Facebook is like a chair, and therefore almost completely worthless. Aside from chairs, the advertisement listed doorbells, airplanes, bridges, dance floors, basketball, and even whole countries to be similar to Facebook. "But we've concluded that chairs are the most like Facebook, or at least, we think the average Facebook user is stupid enough to believe so," stated an unnamed Facebook PR official. Upon being pointed out that with this logic, practically anything could be compared to Facebook, the official promptly gave the middle finger.
While Facebook revels in its losses, many are infuriated that Facebook likened themselves to something that it's not. "Can a chair show off pictures of me and my new cat to my friends on the internet? I don't think so," stated a huffy Roger Macmillan, a 5-year user of Facebook. Others simply bought loads of random crap in hoping that the knick-knacks would serve the same purpose as Facebook, now that the website is comparable to practically anything. "I'm eagerly awaiting the day that my doorbell updates my status," excitedly stated a local idiot. Others still realized that the simple act of sitting in a chair is more meaningful than checking a virtual profile, ironically thanks to Facebook's commercial, and have not left their seats since. Researchers of this phenomenon predict that they will soon discover the other simple joys of life, such as taking a walk.
Whole micro-countries are reported to have had mass-rioting since Facebook basically said that they're more important than them. Nobody
remembers the name of the countries, however, and the number of injuries and deaths are
The NBA sent a letter to Facebook threatening to sue them for damages in portraying basketball wrongly as a social networking site, right after they updated their cover photo of Kobe Bryant. "We are deeply offended that Facebook portrayed our beloved sport in their commercial, implying that the NBA exists only to serve as a comparison to Facebook. Just because it's a huge multibillion website that millions of people check daily doesn't mean it rules our lives. Now excuse me, I need to go update my profile picture," stated an NBA spokesman.
Zuckerberg appeared shocked and appalled that his entire empire could crumble at the drop of a short-sighted advertisement's hat, and could not be reached for comment, as he was busy smashing any chair he could get his hands on.
"From here, I think Facebook should take another direction in it's marketing campaign. Something more along the lines of; IT'S FUTILE TO RESIST FACEBOOK, SUBMIT NOW TO STALKING YOUR FRIENDS AND UPDATING YOUR PITIFUL TIMELINE, or something like that," stated a Facebook official. "That, or we can compare ourselves to France; nobody cares about that place."