UnNews:Updated Presidential Pre-Polls
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Updated Presidential Pre-Polls
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, May 25, 2015, 14:04 (UTC)
22 April 2007
THE INTERNET- It is now 2007, and thus the race is indeed on to see who will succeed George W. Bush in the
Square Oval Office. Therefore, it is only natural for the few, the proud, the Presidential hopefuls to step forward and strut their stuff. Sure, the primaries have not yet been cast, and, yes, indeed, who's to say that George W. Bush won't put forward an executive order allowing him to continue his regime past the Constitutional limit? But naturally, as the presidential election is nothing more than a popularity contest, we will now see how the candidatesthat matter stand in the eyes of the American public:
- Barack Obama: 129,004 MySpace Friends
- Hillary Clinton: 37,772
- John McCain: 11,451
- Rudolph Giuliani: 2,300
The cause Rudolph Giuliani's abysmal score is unknown, though it has been extrapolated from the front page that the site is not officially that of Former Mayor of New York. Evidence supporting this is the use of the song "We Got Rudy" by Kaptain Christopher, which is mainly extemporaneous recorded blather being played back over the vocal line "We got Rudy/We got Rudy/We got Rudy/Yes we do/We got Rudy/How 'bout you?" listen as well as the fact that the site altogether lacks the professionalism expected of a presidential hopeful.
Back on point, however, this data offers incontrovertible and completely incontestable evidence that, in the end, Barack Obama will lose out to Dane Cook:
- Dane Cook: 1,879,944 MySpace Friends
Presidential MySpace pages are no different than regular MySpace pages in that they all highlight the good qualities, real or imagined, of the person about whom the page is. For example, the following is excerpted from Barack Obama's "favorite books" section:
- Dreams From my Father by Barack Obama
- The Audacity of Hope by Barack Obama
The conceit of this travesty is paralleled in every president's MySpace page. Take, for example, Hillary Clinton. Similarly misguided, in her biographical section (which is, by definition, meant to be factual), she states (as fact) "A frontrunner in the 2008 Presidential Election"
Inversely, often some candidates are too honest. One, for example, gives his religion as Catholic. Rookie mistake, friend. Rookie mistake. Another gives his true age, which, being the somewhat large number of 70, is also quite deterring. (editors note: in this paragraph alone, names have been censored because the contributor of the article couldn't remember the names of the people that he was talking about).
Geraldo Rivera, reporting.
- <insert name of paid lackey of presidential hopeful here> "<insert name of presidential hopeful here> <insert name of presidential hopeful here> 2008/For President/For President 2008". 22 April 2007 15:07 Eastern Daylight Time, 22 April 2007 15:07 Eastern Daylight Time