UnNews:Update: Gerald Ford rises again!
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Update: Gerald Ford rises again!
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, March 25, 2017, 22:08:UTC)(
30 December 2006
GRAND RAPIDS, Michigan -- Former United States President Gerald Rudolph Ford, Jr. (born Leslie Lynch King, Jr.), in a bizarre twist of fate, has risen from the grave at his Presidential Museum in Grand Rapids, Michigan, four days after his death at age 93. Previously, UnNews reported that Gerald Rudolph Ford, Jr. (born Leslie Lynch King, Jr.) had died twice, see UnNews:Former U.S. President Gerald Ford dies and UnNews:Gerald Ford dies again?
Early on in his life it was already known that he had the power to be re-born as somebody else. Unfortunately, this time he decided to rise in his rapidly-decaying mortal body, and it has been confirmed that Mr. Ford is now a vampire.
Bursting from his coffin in the middle of an Episcopal service, he first attacked his wife, then the attending clergyman. Soon, everyone ran out of the church as Ford howled at the sun, innocent blood soaking his fangs.
Renowned vampire hunter Ibrahim bin al-Helsing had no comment, but it is believed that the undead president, after fumbling and bumbling for all those years, is now impervious to sunlight.
A national vampire watch is being set up as you read this article. Beware... and have a happy New Year!