UnNews:Update: British Prime Minister Blair Frozen in Block of Ice by Iranian Ambassador
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Update: British Prime Minister Blair Frozen in Block of Ice by Iranian Ambassador
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, May 25, 2015, 05:29 (UTC)
19 August 2006
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LONDON, England -- In a shocking turn of events today, British Prime Minister Tony Blair's own anti-terrorist program backfired on him, when a visiting Iranian diplomat, Allawi al-Durzai, pushed Blair into a vat of liquid nitrogen, and had him cryogenically frozen.
The news hit London this morning like a football hitting a goalpost; in other words, hard. There was some panic in the streets today as people took to the feeling of terror.
The incident happened as the Prime Minister, feeling overly confident in his duties today, took some time out of his busy schedule to show some foreign diplomats around his new cryogenics laboratory. Unfortunately, one of these was Allawi al-Durzai, the Iranian who had attempted to attack American hotel heiress Paris Hilton four days ago, a few hours before her untimely death. Seemingly unaware of this fact, Blair took them around and activated one of the freezing vats, tossing in a little kitten as a test subject. "And thus will all jihadists go," eyewitnesses report Blair saying. "Now, let's go get some fish and chi-i-i--!"
Seizing the opportunity, al-Durzai rushed the Prime Minister and, before Blair knew what was happening, pushed him up and over into the vat. The other delegates quickly subdued the Iranian, but they were not able to stop the machine, as Blair was the only one who knew how to shut it off. The Prime Minister emerged, half an hour later, frozen within a block of ice.
As of yet, no one has figured out how to reverse the process, as its creator, former Home Secretary John Reid, is currently being possessed by Benedict XVI and was in such a state when he suggested the machine. Doctors are attempting to break through to Reid, but so far, nothing has happened, saying that "every once in a while, he murmurs about 'bloody altars', then starts yelling 'HAGGIS!' again."
Great Britain has currently broken off all diplomatic relations with Iran. Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad stated in a press conference that "We have broken all ties with England!!! The Twefth Imam has come!!! Ay-ya-yi-ya-yi!" Aminadjehad then broke out into a rather off-key rendition of "Waiting for Tonight".
Because there is currently no Prime Minister, there will be a special election in the House of Lords to determine the interim Prime Minister -- that is, until Mr. Blair is unfrozen. Many people are commenting that they like him better now than when he wasn't frozen, and Blair's ratings have made quite a leap upward in the polls.
But, for now, this is all we have to offer. Stay tuned for more "Uncyclopedia News"! Squawk!