UnNews:Update:Unidentified Missing Object Believed To Be Bottle Of Brandy
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Update:Unidentified Missing Object Believed To Be Bottle Of Brandy
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, May 22, 2015, 22:12 (UTC)
14 August 2006
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UN - Today, the startling unidentified object that disappeared last week has been identified as a bottle of English brandy.
A security tape captured the theft of the bottle in living color -- black and white, that is. The brandy appeared to be exactly where the empty space popped up, just hours later.
The UN was also pleased to announce that they had positively identified the thief. Playing the film at an unemergency session of the United Nations, witnesses report that they saw a dark blur, dressed in fancy clothes, grab the bottle off of a drink trolley and run through a bright door marked "Heaven".
Uncyclopedia users were shocked to learn of this news; it implicated their patron saint in a common larceny. Oscar Wilde himself was also shocked to learn the news. "I mean, I've never even been to the United Nations?" he said as he chugged down a bottle of brandy. "I mean, what's with all this shit?"
Wilde was later seen being chased by a large van painted in psychedelic colors and populated by four teenagers and their large dog.
This reporter is confused beyond belief, but, hopefully, it can all be cleared up with a nice big drop of acid! Yeah, man!