UnNews:Unwashed complain about the Undead
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Unwashed complain about the Undead
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, May 29, 2017, 00:28:UTC)(
9 January 2014
WHITBY, United Kingdom -- The local Goth community of Whitby on the coast of Yorkshire, England are complaining about a recent influx of 'Blood Benefit Migrants' from Transylvania. The new arrivals, who are now entitled to automatic entry since Romania joined the European Union, have upset some of the town's black-clad community leaders by moving into the ruins of Whitby Abbey.
'It's a bloody disgrace,' fumed black candle maker Lady Argot. 'We have made Whitby what is is today — a cultural centre for the local Goth and Vampire community — but now we are being undercut by people like Vlad Tepes and his Undead friends. These freaks will suck us dry if we allow them to stay here.'
The new arrivals are happy to be legally allowed to stay in Whitby. Embargoing his remarks for publication only between dusk and dawn, Vlad Tepes expressed surprise at the hostility shown to him and his people.
'It is now far easier for us to come here instead of arriving secretly in smelly coffins or disguised as bats. I believe the fake Undead and the real Undead should get along. After all, we share so much history like not getting out of bed during the day time and then spending all night feasting, drinking and sucking.'
The local council are said to be nervous about the newcomers and are worried the local branch of the English Defence League will march to stop the 'pale skin' influx.
'This is serious business,' said council leader Sir Nigel Niggle. 'The sale of sharp stakes and wooden mallets have shot through the roof since my party UKIP first warned of this invasion. I expect every ghoul in Europe will be here by next week. I recommend that all citizens of Whitby to bolt their doors and wait for the end.'
- Staff "Foreign vampires threaten to overwhelm native ghouls". Daily Express, January 8, 2014