UnNews:Unspecified Monster on rampage just wants love
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Unspecified Monster on rampage just wants love
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, February 26, 2017, 05:36:UTC)(
14 July 2008
Fifteen minutes to Hammerdown, New York A seemingly immortal creature that appears to hunger for human flesh really just wants love, US army officials have reported after finding the creatures diary that was discarded in the harbor, pre-rampage.
"This indestructible creature just wants hard loving," explained Dr. Ruth through a megaphone, flying above the chaos in the streets in an army helicopter, "it's humping the infrastructure.We will erect a giant dildo in the harbor to settle these matters. The US Army has tried everything else and failed. It's not too late to give this monster an orgasm."
Fleeing film producers, well educated on matters of monster love, agreed that love was the answer to everything, but in order for true love to occur, the monster had to be rescued by their love interest when near death, preferably by impaling, as well illustrated by productions in 2008.
"Nah, it'll never work, " taxicab driver and recent bite victim Joe explained from his prone position at ground zero, "this creature, see, she's already been knocked up- urphbblurp!!!!!" his internals then exploded, in a fashion similar to the incoming nuclear bla