UnNews:Unscrupulous over-the-counter diet pill

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9 February 2007

Fat

Darren Thomas, pictured, is going to spend the next month sitting in front of Wal-Mart until the arrival of alli, the United States' first nonprescription diet pill.

WASHINGTON DC - After months of deliberation, The Food and Drug Administration finally OK'd America's first nonprescription diet pill. The pill is expected to arrive on the market by March.

Known as alli, this over-the-counter diet drug is unique in its kind, because it has a 100 percent chance of success, said Charles Ganley, FDA's director of nonprescription products.

"There are no strings attached," he said. "If you take an over-the-counter alli, you are definitely going to lose at least 30 percent of your body weight."

Harriet Jones, a Connecticut mother of eight who agreed to test the drug before it went out on market, weighed 600 lbs. before injesting the drug.

"I just popped one in my mouth in the evening, and I lost 200 pounds the next morning," said Harriet Jones. "My arms and legs fell off."

Jones has been bound to an electric wheel chair that she operates with her mouth for two months. She ran over a cat last Tuesday, but she said she is getting the hang of it. She said her life hasn't actually changed that much.

"Well, I still have my limbs," she said. "I keep them in the freezer."

Ganley said the general public has little use for their arms and legs, anyway. Even though mankind would not be where it is today without the evolutionary development of opposable thumbs, they have since become totally obsolete, he said.

"We're living in a world where televisions and computers that are operated by thought, and eating can be done simply by using telekenetic powers," Ganley said. "[Arms and legs are] large, intrusive structures that only get in the way of losing weight and feeling great."

Sir. Launcelot was also an early tester of alli, and he said he was looking forward to getting rid of those arms and legs long ago.

"It's only a flesh-wound," he said.

Ganley said even though he fully endorses the over-the-counter alli, he said the full-strength prescription version called Xenical is much more effective.

"Xenical users simply evaporate into the atmosphere, and gone is their fat forever" he said. "Unfortunately, it might take a few years before we get that in stores."


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