UnNews:Unripe Bananas Declared Class A Drug
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Unripe Bananas Declared Class A Drug
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, July 6, 2015, 00:07:UTC)(
6 March 2008
BACKBACON, Canada -- A 14 year study by Canadian scientists with affected UK accents has concluded that bananas are powerful and dangerous hallucinogenics. In the North American countries, that makes them "hard", or Class A drugs.
Scientists, doctors and even green-grocers from all around the world are to meet tomorrow to discuss the future of what once was a delicious addition to many people's lunch menu. So far, reports suggest that destroying the whole world's supply of bananas and banana plants is the only way to prevent the selling and distribution of what has become a cheaper and more dangerous alternative to crystal meth and heroin.
Dr Harvey Pinacolda, a specialist in fruit psychology, is mortified by the new findings. "It's unbelievable that something so dangerous could go unnoticed for so long" he declares. "And to think that this is something that shops and market stalls everywhere sell gives a picture of the kind of society we live in today".
Side effects of the banana include hallucinations, the belief that the individual is able to fly, flatulence and lack of energy. Scientists at NASA are still trying to determine the full list of possible side effects the banana may have.
The experiment, which aimed to analyse the extent to which bananas increase intelligence, found that unripe bananas induce the worst kinds of psychosis, which scientists have dubbed "going bananas". Ripened bananas have only a minimal effect and blackened bananas have no effect at all, but scientists fear that with a high demand for hard drugs at a cheap price in society today, ripened bananas will too become something to avoid.
Two days ago at Heathrow Airport, England, a woman in her thirties was caught trying to smuggle a bunch of five single bananas onto an aircraft heading to Madrid, Spain. However, the authorities were confused as the woman had made no real attempt to hide the dangerous fruit from airport staff apart from place them in a blue carrier bag along with a cheese sandwich and a Mars bar. In her defence as she was escorted from the Boeing 747, the woman protested "I am innocent! I had no idea they were illegal!". Police believe she was trying to disguise the bananas as her lunch so they when she reached Spain she could sell them on the black market for profit.
The recent scare the banana has caused has led the E.U., President Bush and Bill Gates to fund a new program called "Operation: fruit salad". The program promises unlimited funding into experimenting with all types of fruit and vegetables to see which are most harmful to the mental and physical state of humans. President Bush insisted that "the selling of the banana will be stopped before terrorists and the Axis of Evil can gain access to this weapon of mass destruction". Bill Gates has so far not made a statement, however, a spokesman on behalf of the European Union has declared that "the members of the E.U. have to come the conclusion bananas are indeed a highly dangerous drug. Their reason for this is because monkeys eat bananas and they do nothing but throw their own s**t around all day, so it's got to be bad".
Bob Geldof, organizer of the Live Aid and Live 8 festivals, is also in a state of shock about the new information that has surfaced. "As a man who wants to feed the world" he started "it's unbelievable that the banana, a fruit that grows in third world countries, is actually one of the most dangerous drugs now known to man. I will never contribute to this cause again." He then continued to say "and to think I named my daughter 'Peaches'?! After another potential drug? I'm a worse father than Michael Jackson!". Geldof was found unconscious in the kitchen of his house by his maid 4 hours after giving this statement, with a banana in his hand. It now appears that he himself had an addiction to bananas and is now entering a rehabilitation centre.
It is unclear how many casualties have been caused so far at the hand of the banana, but it certainly appears that Bob Geldof will not be the last.