UnNews:University redefines cheerleading

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University redefines cheerleading

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29 April 2016

Newcheerleader

The cheerleader of the future.

SEATTLE, Washington -- The University of Washington has again found that time has marched past it and set up a roadblock. When it helpfully tried to inform young women what qualities were appreciated in cheerleaders, a veritable tempest of protest was unleashed. Students, staff and almost anyone who had a Facebook or Twitter account soon made their views upon the poster that had been issued.

Despite the fact that the UW cheerleaders include women and men of quite a few different colors, the use of an attractive blonde as the model for the poster was too much for concerned residents of Seattle, and indeed a lot of other places, to bear. The message that a cheerleader should look like a ... well .. cheerleader did not go down well.

Cicero Buttweasel, a leading intellectual light on another campus some 2000 miles away, has not just criticized the sexist, misogynist, pornographic and genocidal poster. "I and all right thinking people are appalled at the notion that cheerleaders must be attractive women. I offer in response an alternative to this degrading, defamatory, disgusting and distorted representation of cheerleading."

Carly Fiorina

Candidate Ted Cruz co-opted the issue to capture a few minutes of headlines by picking as Vice President an ugly cheerleader.

Mr. Buttweasel's suggestion is depicted at the right. "Changing the selection criteria for cheerleaders will immediately halt violence to women, revive the economy and bring radical terrorist organizations to their knees and their senses."

At last report, no comments had been received from the athletic teams of the university, but there has been a wave of less-than-sympathetic messages posted on social media. It is sure to become an issue in the U.S. Presidential campaign even larger than which bathroom someone should use. For example, Bernie Sanders has almost completed a message that will unite attractive and ugly co-eds, without naming either, which might be a microaggression.

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