UnNews:University offers space degree
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
7 February 2013
Daytona Beach, Florida -- Embry-Riddle Aeronautical University, located in Daytona Beach, Florida, has announced plans to offer the first-of-its-kind bachelor's degree in commercial space operations.
"We have actually be planning to offer this degree for some time, however, the commercial space industry never took off. I mean, its 2013 already, and we still don't having flying cars, robot butlers, or moon colonies yet, but I digress. However, Iran's recent launch of a monkey into space has recently reignited the space race to levels we haven't seen since the 1960's, aka half a century ago." said Buzz Acton, public relations director of ERAU, "Perhaps America is ready to make a serious attempt at manned space travel again, rather than puttering along with no real purpose."
"This degree will educate students about the latest advances in space flight. Many young people today are no longer unfamiliar with the technology of the space age. These classes will teach our next generation important information, like reading an analog voltmeters and wiring vacuum tubes. We also expose our students to the culture of the space age, teaching them to use words like "groovy," wear their hair long and unkempt, and protest against wars. We even make our minority students sit in the back of buses to give our students the complete space-age experience," Acton continued.
"The degree also covers important practical information. For example, did you that the US does not have a means to put a person into space since the space shuttle program was retired in 2011. That means every astronaut needs to bum a ride on a Russian space craft. You might think that bumming rides takes no skill, but you would be mistaken. In order to leech of other people, you must make then like you. In order to secure American access into space, we teach our students how to smuggle cigarettes, vodka, and pornography up to the international space station. This contraband is then used to build and maintain good will with Russians." Acton said, "We also teach our students how to stay on good terms with the Russian hierarchy, so they don't get stranded in the space station if some diplomatic crisis happens on earth. To do this, we supply all of our students the names and identities of Putin's political enemies living in America. If one of our former students sees one of these people, they are to report it to the Kremlin, who, in turn, will report the information to relevent KGB agents. This keeps Russia in our debt, so to speak, so we can maintain America's access to space."
- Megan Anderson "Embry-Riddle plans to offer nation’s first commercial space degree". Orlando Business Journal, February 7, 2013
- Florida Today "Embry-Riddle to offer 1st-ever Commercial Space Operations degree". Florida Today, February 6, 2013