UnNews:University of Michigan campus pwned by Proposal 2
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University of Michigan campus pwned by Proposal 2
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, May 27, 2015, 18:55:UTC)(
10 November 2006
ANN ARBOR, MI - The University of Michigan campus is still in utter shock and disarray after being pwned by a controversial ballot proposal. Proposal 2, also known as the MCRI (which either stands for Michigan Civil Rights Intiative or Michigan Confederate Racists Initiative, depending on your viewpoint), recently passed with 58% of the vote. This happened despite all of the "No on 2" signs littering campus and the daily anti-Prop. 2 protests - hence the use of the term "pwned".
Proposal 2 is so unpopular on campus because it bans many popular types of affirmative action, which is currently U-M's co-official religion with football. Its opponents feel it may have additional effects, including killing babies, causing global warming, initiating nuclear war with North Korea, causing a loss to Ohio State, and many more dire consequences. It also allegedly has the potential to demote the University to the Mid-American Conference in football, which means Detroit would be their yearly bowl destination.
Opponents of Proposal 2 were swift to react on campus. At noon Wednesday, a Mary-Sue character addressed the students about the impending Armageddon. According to witnesses, every third word she said was diversity. This culminated with the famous statement "Wii are diversity", which attempted to bring students attention to the one exciting upcoming event - the Wii launch. Additionally, BAMN (By Any Means Necessary) decided to continue its use of Any Means Necessary, filing a lawsuit to try and overturn Proposal 2 because of voters "checking the Yes box when they OBVIOUSLY meant to check No". BAMN also planned to host a "Catch a Ward Connerly Day", where students would try to catch a person dressed as Ward Connerly, the outspoken opponent of many affirmative action programs. There are rumors going around that BAMN may actually start a Trotskyist revolution, though BAMN officials have urged everybody to wait until they elaborate on their strategy at a press conference next Monday.
Supporters, however, were quite jubilant. A large group of supporters were seen celebrating by tearing down "No on 2" posters and burning the BAMN flag in a visible demonstration immediately after election returns came in. Three others, obviously World of Warcraft addicts, yelled "Puh-Owned" while running naked around the Diag. One, however, was shot dead by BAMN gunfire.
- Revolutionary Trotskyists from Utah