UnNews:Universe 2.0 could be in the works
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Universe 2.0 could be in the works
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, September 2, 2015, 15:19:UTC)(
31 March 2007
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HEAVEN, UNN – Plagued by problems involving sectarian infighting and the invention of Australian Infomercial are fueling rumors that God is planning an update from the current Universe 1.0 to Universe 2.0.
“We are neither confirming, nor denying that that a planned upgrade from Universe 1.0 is planned. God works in mysterious ways,” stated Archangel Michael, spokesman for Eternal Creators Ltd. Incorporated. When pressed regarding rumors of meetings involving a project named "Jell-O Salad", Michael would only state that "God is always looking for different ways to add zest and a dash of color to dull meals and promblematic guests who ignore their hosts rules and start sectarian violence."
Theorists however have said that the myriad of patches and security fixes issued on an ever increasing basis have reached the point where people are being asked daily to do things which seem to be counter to the patches and fixes issued the day before. "there are only so many times that one can explain that unanswered questions are mysteries and God is really sorry for creating the Hitler Virus."
"If ECL Inc. were to issue Universe 2.0, the question would be how long God would continue to provide support to Universe 1.0 users,” stated CNET, the sometimes quoted Internet Geek site. “And what does God expect us to do with the Universe 1.0 users – cast them off into the ether?”
However very real problems with the trouble prone Universe 1.0 continues to arise.
“Most our loops – those involving the issues of eclipse seem to resolve themselves, but, the Iranians have to want to change, and they seem perfectly happy making asses out of themselves over 30 years.”
If God and ECL Inc. were to issue a Universe 2.0, it is unlikely that an inexpensive upgrade would be offered – company officials saying that “at some point it’s just easiest to shuck the whole shebang and start with Creation.”
- Associated Iranian Press "Iranian official: Sailors to Tried In Hopes that World Will Consider Iranian Government as Legitimate and Sane". Yahoo! News, April 01, 2007
- Westboro Baptist Church "Rev. Fred Phelps Wins 6th Gold at the Homo Invaded Swimming Worlds". Yahoo! News, April 01, 2007