UnNews:United States government to give $50 billion to India and China "to save time"
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United States government to give $50 billion to India and China "to save time"
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, August 25, 2016, 06:36:UTC)(
26 January 2008
WASHINGTON DC, USA -- President Bush and the American congress plan to give 50 billion dollars to India and China, according to a recent press release. According to a White House economist: "We were originally going to give the money to Americans as a tax rebate, but then we realized that they would just spend most of it buying stuff that's been made by outsourced companies in Asia. So we thought "Hell, as long as we're giving this money away, we might as well be efficient, save a little time, and give it straight to the Asian nations."
The government's original plan was to give checks of up to $1,200 per family to American households, but it soon became clear to Congress that this step was wholly unnecessary. Says one congressman: "We just looked back at 2001, when we tried this the first time, and only 8 families actually spent the money on American goods. The rest either saved it, or bought cheap stuff that was made in China. So we figured that this time around, we'd just save time and give all the money straight to China, and perhaps some to India. It's a new form of bipartisan efficiency that we are extremely proud of. We also plan to save time on the Global warming crisis by sending in army officers with blowtorches to speed the melting of the polar ice caps."
Though this economic package has not yet been approved by the Senate, most economists predict that the senate will indeed approve it. "Yeah, we probably will," says one Senator, "We tend not to read most of the bills we approve anyway, and we certainly won't be reading this one. It's really long, and none of us want to miss the football game."
America has been showing signs of an upcoming economic recession for months now. A group of economists who planned on discussing possible solutions to the recession had to cancel their meeting last week, because they couldn't afford to rent a facility. "Yes, it certainly isn't hard to see that our economy isn't what it once was," said one economist as he climbed into his car (or rather, his bicycle. His broken bicycle).
Meanwhile, the majority of Americans have now surpassed the point where they are able to pay off the mortgages on their homes. "Oh yeah, I have to take out a loan every time I get a haircut, never mind buy a house!" says one American, "I couldn't afford to pay off the mortgage on the doorknob of my bedroom!" This offers a stark contrast to the 1950's and 1960's, when the average middle-class citizen owned a house, eight cars, and usually two or three streets.
UnNews's coverage of the American economic crisis will continue in a special report next week. Of course, the special report will be written in Mandarin Chinese, because we're shipping all our jobs overseas.