UnNews:United States government cracks down on digital piracy

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3 July 2010

You Are a Pirate!

A typical Digital Pirate.

HOLLYWOOD, California -- The most powerful studios in Hollywood have joined forces with the United States government to combat what they claim to be the most dangerous enemy since Nazi Germany; digital piracy.

Not wanting to spend their own hard earned money to capture the culprits behind the recent rise in digital theft, Disney and their associates contacted the government who agreed to spend millions in taxpayer dollars to combat this invisible enemy.

Alan Bergman, President of Walt Disney Studios had this to say on the subject:

"Enforcing new laws to fight digital piracy is critical. Piracy is a crime. There's no other way to see it. People think that piracy is harmless, victimless. That couldn't be farther from the truth. Not only does digital theft hurt corporate fat cats, it also hurts corporate medium-sized cats too!"

Bergman went on to say, "Internet crooks are undermining the economy! Recent studies have shown that the 2008 banking crisis was in fact mostly - if not completely - caused by internet piracy. When you watch television on the internet, not only are you hurting America, but you are also directly supporting terrorism!"

A Q&A session was held with Vice President Joe Biden where he claimed that the government had already arrested ten Russian-Americans who they believed were involved in an illegal piracy ring. Biden claimed that the Russians had been living in the US as citizens for many years, and that their plan was to get close to top Hollywood executives, in an attempt to steal unreleased films, stream them on the internet, and use the revenues generated to revive the collapsed Soviet Empire.
Corporate Fat Cat

A typical Corporate Fat Cat.

During the Q&A one of the reporters had the nerve to point out to Biden that James Cameron's Avatar released in 2009 shattered box-office records, quickly becoming the highest grossing film of all time, and eventually making over 2 billion dollars. The man was soon arrest under suspition of being a "Pirate Sympathizer". Among Hollywood's top directors to support the new crackdown on piracy, the most vocal is M. Night Shyamalan. Shyamalan claims that piracy is the reason behind the poor review of his newest film, The Last Airbender, stating that all the good dialog, special effects, and editing were stolen by pirates.

When asked about his feelings on the subject, Josh Tormen a high school student from California had this to say, "Holy fuck in the butt! Are you shittin' me?! You've got to be fucking shittin' me! Now where the fuck am I gonna watch 90210? Television? You mean that thing old people in nursing homes watch JAG on? More like, JAG-OFF, am I right? Hehe, but anyways... You've got to be fucking me in asshole if you think I'd ever watch that thing!"

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