UnNews:United States and North Korea agree to carry out joint missile-anti-missile tests
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United States and North Korea agree to carry out joint missile-anti-missile tests
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, October 25, 2016, 10:28:UTC)(
23 June 2006
P'YŌNGYANG, NORTH KOREA: In an unprecedented move towards international cooperation, North Korea has agreed to carry out full-scale tests of their offensive capabilities by launching their entire arsenal of Taepodong-2 missiles directly at various American and South Korean and Japanese targets within the next few weeks, with the complete understanding that the United States will be simultaneously conducting real-world qualification tests of their own newly-developed "Star Wars II" missile defense system.
NDC Chairman Kim Jong-il said earlier today that "North Korea has decided to take this bold step with the Americans, because this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for both of our countries to flex our respective military musculatures in such a way that the rest of the world will tremble in abject terror of us." The North Korean leader quickly added that, in the interests of mounting safety concerns, none of their launched missiles will be armed with live nuclear warheads or other kinds of dangerous explosives. Even so, North Korean military leaders strongly advise that American, South Korean, and Japanese citizenry make all reasonable efforts to stay at least 500 feet away from potential ground targets, just in case America's computer-controlled defensive arsenals are not quite up to the task. "Even though our long-range missiles will be completely unarmed, several thousand pounds of superheated inert ballistic metal could do some serious damage if it lands right on top of you, and may also contain residual traces of hazardous rocket fuel. So please exercise caution," North Korea recommended.
In a token of ancient North Korean honor-bestowing customs, Kim Jong-Il was observed to be religiously crossing his fingers behind his back during the public signing of the historic bilateral treaty.
President Bush warmly welcomed the advent of thawed relations with our former North Korean communist adversaries, enthusiastically placing his personal signature on the agreement with his personal electronic signature-making device (which he carries at all times for rare occasions such as this). "At last, former President Reagan's visionary dream of spacial warfare will soon become a viable reality", glibbed the President on his chauffeured drive back from the North Korean capital to Air Force One. The President also hinted that, as Commander in Chief, he may personally get a chance to take over the controls and shoot down a few missiles of his own with powerful California-based laser installations, thereby fulfilling a longheld childhood fantasy of his.
US Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice, Seceretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, and Vice President Dick Cheney, along with a US military official who spoke under conditions of extreme anonymity, went on record as pledging their best wishes and mutual support for North Korea's militaristic adventures, seeing that the United States will be spared the expense of launching their own costly missiles (which would otherwise be needed to serve as anti-missile targets). Now that actual rogue missiles have technologically advanced to the point of threatening some possibility of slight damage to American-held interests, Congress is expected to board the pro-war-games bandwagon by massively increasing funding for all current and future missile-defense related programs.