United States May Not Be Center of the Universe
UnFair and UnBalanced
Wednesday, January 16, 2019, 07:59:UTC)(
14 June 2006
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WASHINGTON, DC -- The United States, long considered to be the only terrestrial land mass of any significance, may in fact be one of dozens, or even hundreds, of countries that occupy the Earth, if a controversial new report is to be believed.
The existence of these so-called "other countries" has been known since 1941, when America first learned of World War II, and decided to step in, realising there was a profit to be made. Since then however, only a few, such as the U.S.S.R. in the 50's and Vietnam in the 70's, have been of any real importance.
The new study, which was prompted by NASA's recent discovery of an event known as the World Cup, indicates that as much as 30% of the Earth's surface may be made up of territory that is not part of the United States, and has sent ripples of shock and disbelief throughout the nation.
World class events, such as the World Series and World Championship Wrestling, have long been popular in the U.S., but the idea that there might be other such events taking place in these "other countries" has proven unsettling to most Americans.
If these claims are true, it could mean drastic changes to American life, as many things which have been taken for granted would have to be recast in light of this new information. Football, for example, might need to be referred to as American Football, since apparently the rest of the world uses the term for some other game.
"Football is football," President Bush stated, in an impromptu press conference, "I mean, why would you call soccer football? Soccer is soccer. Calling it football is just silly." He went on to declare that he felt sure that the matter would soon be resolved once and for all, adding, "After all, we were here first."
When informed that other countries are not subject to U.S. law, the visibly-distressed President had to be helped from the podium by paramedics.