UnNews:United Nations vote: all religions are entitled to their own state in the Middle East
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United Nations vote: all religions are entitled to their own state in the Middle East
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, November 26, 2015, 14:49:UTC)(
10 November 2006
NEW YORK, New York -- In a surprise vote today, the UN, in a sweeping codicil to United Nations General Assembly Resolution 181, concerning the partition of Israel, established the rights of other religions to middle-east statehood. The move was widely applauded by co-religionists.
The resolution also changed the name of the state formerly known as "Israel" to "Jewland" for reasons not immediately apparent at press time.
So far only a few new states have been established under the new resolution, which has been praised by President Bush as "A bold new road map to final peace in the Middle East."
So far there have been states established for the world's atheist population ("Nogoddia"), those who follow Goa Tse ("Goatseland"), the Heaven's Gate breakoff group that worships Fox Mulder of X-Files fame ("Mulderstan"), the trek community ("Kirkistan"), and those who worship the Flying Spaghetti Monster ("Pastafaristan"), although there are rumors that this last country might just be a joke.
The pre-existing scientologist state of Hubbardland was left unmodified by the codicil. Further countries are expected to be claimed in the next few days, there are also rumors of plans for a "Homoslavia" somewhere in the vicinity.
Unfortunately, the revised partition plan required the violent removal of approximately 28 million Arabs, and has greatly angered the terrorists, who have vowed to "Blow up everything in the fucking world twice, then blow it up again, then smash it into atoms, and then blow up the atoms." in retaliation for giving their holy ancestral lands to star trek fans, goatse freaks, athiests, Fox Mulder worshippers, people who pretend to think that pasta created the world and Jews.
Another problem quickly emerged concerning the status of the holy Goat Sea, as due to a sloppy cartographer's error involving a pit bull, a bird with a flexible bill, and a small man with a large moustasche, the Goatseland/Mulderstan border accidentally transversed the disputed body of water, leading to a holy war over the status of access to the sea, which is holy to the Goatse worshippers. Strangely, it isn't holy to the Mulderstanis, but they just like causing trouble and getting on CNN to try to contact Fox Mulder so they can "evoke the prophesy and bring Mulder's spirit into the material realm."
While some see the new flowering of spiritual statehood as a good idea and more inclusive than just setting a state aside for the Jewish religion and not the various other forms of spirituality in this modern new age, others disagree, and are concerned that this move can lead to nothing but a perpetual holy war that will inevitably expose third parties to the threat of terrorism, political polarization and endless misery. However, only time will tell whether these concerns hold any water, or if the revised UN plan is as doomed as the less inclusive, but undeniably simpler, original.
- The consciousness formerly known as Marshall Applewhite "What's good for the Jews is good for the, um, other guys . . . too". ELAH Intergalactic Propaganda Organ, November 10, 2006