UnNews:Unicorn trounces winged horse in Battle of the Mascots

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2006 "Battle of the Mascots":
This time, it was personal...

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24 October 2006

PHILADELPHIA, PA: Thousands of screaming sports fans were delighted yesterday at Philadelphia's McCarthy Stadium as they witnessed the final round of EPSN's "Battle of the Mascots", between Stanley the Unicorn, hailing from the NCSSM Unicorns (North Carolina), and Blue Lightning the Winged Horsie, representing Middle Tenn State Pegasuses (Tennessee).

Stanley Unicorn, weighing in at a svelte 250 pounds of pure muscle and virtuous heart, entered the illuminated and spacious arena first, warmly basking in the heartfelt cheers of the packed audience (who were mostly bused in from neighboring rural West Virginia). Lightning the misshapen Pegasus-shaped Thing, however, was somewhat late as he staggered in apparently intoxicated, carrying a half-finished six pack of Colt 45™, belching uncontrollably and making obscene gestures to several of the female cheerleaders during the National Anthem. Also, his fly was unzipped.

From the opening bell, Stanley confidently dominated the world-class event by raining dozens and dozens of highly effective pummelings upon the cheap fraying fabric of Lightning's ill-fitting costume. Whilst the equineous mascots battled on for several hours under the grueling and harsh spotlights of EPSN's cable television cameras, it was blatantly obvious to all that the winged drunken horse, in spite of his many pleas for mercy, would soon meet a particularly horrific demise at the hooves of what was, clearly, a superior opponent. With grace, style, poise, and finesse, the sleek and slender Stanley put the finishing touches on his immaculate performance by ripping off the fake wings of Lightning and impaling the unlucky pegasus right in the chestal area with his glistening razor-sharp forehorn. The crowds went ballistic with jubilation, alternately chanting "Stanley! Stanley! Stanley!" and "Pegasuses suck donkey balls!"

For the sixth time in his illustrious career, Stanley the Victorious Unicorn stood at the announcer's podium, and, with tears of happiness in his sparkling vibrant eyes, proudly accepted ESPN's highest award for outstanding achievement as a school mascot, even as in the background Tennessee paramedics sadly carted off the disfigured corpse of Lightning the now-dead Pegasus. As the festivities wound down into the early morning hours, commentators and other well-paid pundits could only hazard guesses as to how Lightning (one of the ugliest mascots in all collegiate academia) could have possibly been considered a fair challenge versus the powerful and heroic Unicorn that is Stanley, even taking into consideration the circumstantial evidence of forged drug tests and a bribed referee who was found murdered last week, apparently suffocated by a mouthful of horse feathers.

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