UnNews:Unexpected global ransom-ware attack to be worse on Monday

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
Unexpected global ransom-ware attack to be worse on Monday

Your A.D.D. news outl — Oooh, look at the pictures!

UnNews Logo Potato
Monday, February 19, 2018, 15:46:59 (UTC)

F iconNewsroomAudio (staff)Foolitzer Prize

Feed-iconIndexesRandom story

14 May 2017

Fingers on keyboard

This file photo shows how the hackers might look as they write the code for their worldwide attack. Unfortunately, the Cybercrime Centre remains stymied, as the fingerprints are pointed down toward the keyboard.

INTERPOL, Poland -- European Cybercrime Centre states that an unprecedented ransom-ware attack on the world's computers will continue to get worse as users log on, Monday morning. Unless they cannot.

The WCry or "WannaCrypt" attack has hit computers in 100,000 organisations in 100 countries. Cybercrime head Steven Wilson said the extortion was "beyond anything we have seen before," presumably the reason the giant agency could neither predict the attack nor predict what will happen on Monday.

Though the NHS was affected, hospitals in the United Kingdom are beginning to return to normal, which means that patients are merely dying of thirst in crowded hallways, rather than having their gurneys rolled out into the alley because nurses cannot figure out who the hell they are.

In America, President Donald Trump ordered his homeland security adviser to hold an emergency meeting to see whether the threat was authored by the Democratic Party, the Fake News Media, or the Deep State that wants to do him in. Trump cautioned on Twitter that he might have wiretapped the perpetrators before they could wiretap him.

Europol spokesman Jan Op Gen Oorth said the attack used both a virus, a worm, a unicorn, and a Heffalump. The attack scrambled a computer's files and used that computer to scan for new victims. It spread faster than its victims could figure out the secret and untraceable bank accounts to which to send their ransom payments so that the crooks would obligingly unscramble the files. Mr. Op said it was too early to say who is behind the ransom onslaught and what their motivation was. However, ransom ranks right up there.

Fortunately, the evil coders designed their malware with a "kill switch" that looks for a website and calls off the attack if found. Though the coders forgot to register the website, a cybersecurity researcher now has done so. In other words, the global crisis was solved thanks to five meddling kids and their dumb dog. However, in the cybersecurity version of a sequel, it is not long before a version appears that omits the "kill switch."

WCry exploits a flaw in Microsoft Windows that the U.S. National Security Agency identified, as it devised ways of taking over and wrecking all the web-capable gadgets in the country for the sake of National Security. Microsoft had fixed its error in March, but many computer owners had not applied the fix. Microsoft has released a new fix, which it hopes users will not ignore as well — nor fear it includes code to nag and trick them into upgrading to Windows 10, whose subscription-based model will hold their files for ransom much more efficiently.

edit Sources

Personal tools