UnNews:Underground plumbing discovered on Mars
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Underground plumbing discovered on Mars
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, September 4, 2015, 14:30:UTC)(
7 December 2006
NASA released pictures evidencing the presence of an elaborate underground plumbing system beneath the surface of Mars this morning.
NASA's Director of Plumbing Services, Mark Randolph, was the first to be notified and was genuinely surprised by the news. He said, "I had long suspected the Martians to be decent, sanitary people, who have advanced well past the use of outhouses."
He thinks the running water supply can mean only that Martians have welcomed into their colonies Osama bin Laden, who is being actively pursued by the CIA, or his ghost, who is being actively pursued by the Ghostbusters.
The news shocked the scientific community, whose numerous members have long been in support of the [Martian] extinction theory for the past decade. The theory attributes Martian extinction to the rise of Lord Voldemort after the slaying of former Dark Lord Chuck Norris.
It is clear to mankind that Martians have been taking dumps all over Mars for thousands of years. The face on Mars surface is now speculated to be a massive pile of shit.
The Mars government was not available for comment, despite being contacted using an incredibly long tin-can-phone system.
Earlier this year, a Verizon Wireless celluar phone was sent to the planet. The phone was sent in hopes that the Martians might pick up the phone after relentlessly calling them. Verizon was chosen because its commercial spokesman, the "Can you hear me now?" guy, is a well-known Martian and because it has the fewest dropped calls of any network.
But the Verizon guy isn't the only Martian talking. John Mark Karr was easily identified as an alien due to his weird character and habit of buttoning the top button on his polo shirts. He confessed, after harsh interrogation, to be from Mars.
He said of the recent discovery: "While on Mars, I pooped. While on Earth, I killed Samatha Olsen, the third "Olsen Twin." No one really knows what the hell the man is talking about.