UnNews:Underarm deodorant tainted with foreign material
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Underarm deodorant tainted with foreign material
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, September 30, 2016, 13:33:UTC)(
1 May 2007
Taiwan—At the world’s largest deodorant factory, inspectors close down the manufacturing of deodorant due to foreign material found in the product as it was showing up at retail outlets. Before the recall, consumers who purchased the first batches complained of severe twitching, uncontrollable slobbering, and a bizarre need to play the Star Spangled Banner with their armpits.
In New Jersey, several reports of massive automobile pile-ups have been linked to one or more people attempting to apply the “tainted” deodorant while driving on their way to work. In Munich, Germany and Dublin, Ireland, the scene is just as grim or worse. In the severe case, a truck driver hauling jello attempted to apply the “tainted” underarm deodorant. The driver was immediately consumed by severe twitching and slobbering, which, according to authorities at the scene, caused the driver to lose control and flip the entire rig. Currently, two Volvos and a Jag are completely encased in green jello.
While the less severe case almost fooled authorities into believing it was just a case of drunk driving, when they realized that it wasn’t Oktoberfest and decided to investigate further. Luckily, the occupants of the vehicles were merely knocked out.
Officials describe the foreign material as black, electric blue, metallic pink or titanium in color. Certain elements, like aluminum, have been established as a neurotoxin. Aluminum chloride, an aluminum salt that is commonly used in antiperspirants, is also commonly used in studies on aluminum-induced neurotoxicity.
The shape of the foreign material also oddly resembles a tasor or stun gun. Authorities are trying to figure out if this is actually the cause of the outbreak of epileptic-like seizures that so many people have been experiencing.
The manufacturer of the underarm deodorant was not available for comment as to why their brand of deodorant was retrofitted with tasors.
"Ode to Deodorant" was the first song recorded by British band Coldplay as an ensemble, which had the same effect to the general public, but nobody was playing it on their radios at the time of their incident.