UnNews:Uncyclopedian robbed, Keith Moon suspected
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|This article is part of UnNews||Straight talk, from straight faces|
26 June 2007
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ORLANDO, Florida, USA -- Late Saturday night, a robbery occurred at the apartment of an epic Uncyclopedian known as this author. Upon returning to the residence after a late night of partying, this author drunkenly stumbled into a mess of shit: overturned couches, broken shelves, missing pornography. In addition, the entire liquor cabinet had also been viscously emptied (the hit which hurt the most). "There is one person I know of with the ability to make hurricanes occur indoors," exclaimed this author, distraught. That man is Keith Moon, insane drug enthusiast and drummer for a relatively unknown rock band called The Who.
Moon is suspected due to the sheer savagery of the attack. Known for the monstrous destruction of nearly every hotel room he'd ever check into, Moon could ransack an entire suite in minutes. This fits Moon within the crime's timeframe (somewhere between 8pm Saturday and 4am Sunday morning). Keith also had a reputation of being a complete asshole, which concurs with the description of the burglars. Experts agree with this author's analysis of the situation; "Moon had the capacity to nearly blow off the side of Pete Townshend's head. The man is almost completely deaf because of Keith! I think him having a role in this crime is a strong likelihood," one expert claims.
As the police laughed off the crime and offered literally no assistance whatsoever, the distraught Uncyclopedian has his hands tied. "I'm just one man" claims this author, "how could I possibly launch a manhunt for Keith Moon all by my lonesome? And like, he's been dead for a really long time, which will make him even HARDER to find.." Indeed, Moon passed away in 1978, making him virtually untraceable. Slightly deterred, this author still vows to bring the offender to justice any way possible. "That crazy drummin' motherfucker is going to PAY!"
Wondering why law enforcement was unable (or more accurately, unwilling) to enforce the law, Uncyclopedia contacted our sources within the Orange County Police Department. Speaking to an officer identified only as K. Miranda, more evidence was gathered in this research than was gathered at the crime scene. Officer Miranda spoke candidly: "The kid has long hair and a beard. Its pretty obvious that he brought this upon himself." When questioned about Moon's involvement, Miranda stated that "..it's about as promising as any other lead we've got right now." She then politely excused herself, as she was busy investigating a game of solitaire.
"He's out there somewhere." the violated Uncyclopedian claims adamantly. "in some hole in the ground, Keith Moon is enjoying my shitty Samick bass, and my brand new Robin Hood: Men in Tights DVD. This will not stand! This aggression will not stand, man! This is a private residence, one which he had no right to enter, and god damn it, that DVD really tied the room together!"
Uncyclopedia is asking anyone with information about the robbery to call our international tip-line.
- J Dilla "Police too busy with speeding tickets to handle actual crime". Up Above, June 20, 2007