UnNews:Uncyclopedia to introduce new front page
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|This article is part of UnNews||Straight talk, from straight faces|
6 May 2009
UNCYCLOPEDIA, The Internets -- Popular Internet service Uncyclopedia, parent company of both UnNews and Wikipedia, is to introduce a radically redesigned main page after studying the case of a shop in Croatia which placed a life-size cardboard cut-out of a well-known Hollywood action film actor in its window to deter burglars. A spokesperson employed by Uncyclopedia to keep an eye on the company's Wikia division says that it is hoped the new page will be highly effective in halting vandalism on the trusted website which is commonly used by students and government ministers worldwide to provide source material for essays and reports.
The Croatian shop, a high class bakery, has suffered a great number of break-ins in recent years involving the theft of flour, butter, sultanas and other items one might expect to find in a bakery at night. Police seemed unable to bring a halt to the crimes despite the fact that they rely on the shop for doughnuts, but shop staff hit on the bright idea of placing the cut-out image in the window with a sign claiming This Shop Is Under The Protection of Chuck Norris, which brought an immediate end to the burglaries.
Shop assistant Mirna Kovac said that staff originally got the cut-out, which portrays the karate champion in a fighting stance, as a joke. "However, it's really worked," she told us, "People around here are scared shitless of him. They've been coming in and asking for his autograph - they really believe he's employed here."
This would not be the first time that Uncyclopedia has altered its main page, which serves as an introduction to the website. 2007 saw the introduction of the Vogonopedia reskin, which won several industry accolades including the Forbes.com Best Company Rebranding Award. However, staff at the site eventually elected to return to the traditional livery which is said to be the best-known corporate image wordwide with recognition standing at around 99.999% of the global population, considerably higher than that enjoyed by Coca Cola™, McDonald's™ and Jesus Christ™. The original artwork for Vogonopedia was subsequently purchased by a private collector for $40 million dollars and is now exhibited at the New York Metropolitan Museum.
Uncyclopedia's plan is to feature the movie star's image on the front page with a warning that any vandals will be roundhouse kicked back to Encyclopedia Dramatica where they belong. "It's got to be worth a try," say the site's admin, who in the past were judged sufficient to frighten off most potential vandals but in recent years have proved to be too cuddly (and cool and sexy, of course), "Let's face it, if people are so stupid they believe Chuck Norris is working in a Croatian bakery, we can probably convince them that adding words such as "UR GAY LOLZ" randomly to our articles will result in him suddenly leaping out of their monitors and beating the crap out of them."