UnNews:Uncyclopedia to host homeless Esperanzian
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Uncyclopedia to host homeless Esperanzian
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, August 3, 2015, 01:26:UTC)(
4 January 2007
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UNCYCLOPEDIA, PLANET PLUTO - After days of wandering through space, many ousted Esperanzian finally reach Uncyclopedia's planet Pluto. Their arrival was neither glorious nor greeted by warm welcomes. Their space ship was battered, their oxygen supply low, their food and water ran out days ago. They had nowhere to go when they reached the planet Pluto.
After an uphill battle, Wikipedians finally beaten Esperanza just before new year's eve. "Just like Bush and Saddam, we don't want to hear anymore about Esperanza in 2007." One wikipedian wrote on his vote's comment space. The final ballot was cast, the voting was closed, and the votes were counted. And then recounted. Being in Florida, Wikipedia had to count the ballot 7 times. Each time, a landslide victory over the Esperanzian was announced. Adding insult to Esperanzian's injury. They were beaten out of Wikipedia Headquarters in Miami, Florida. The CSI was having lunch at the time and couldn't be reached for comments.
The closing statement didn't even state that Esperanza was to be condemned. It merely states that Esperanza was to be decentralized. The Wikipedian has no moral justification nor any legal basis for the destruction of Esperanza. The council of Esperanza did not escape the carnage. They stood for trial for crimes against Wikipedia and was executed at dawn today. A video of their tragic death recorded on a cellphone currently circulates on the internet. It illustrates the taunting of wikipedians while some were yelling "Allahuakbar", meaning God is Great. The leaders kept their unflinching dignity until they die. They were so scared that only when they die, can they wet their pants.
The first Esperanzian was found by a 10 year old uncyclopedian when the cat she was huffing escaped and ran away. The cat was crushed by the Esperanzian's space ship. Later that day, more ships landed on Uncyclopedian planet Pluto.
The torrent of refugees alerted the high ranking officials of Uncyclopedia, who at the time was busy contemplating the future of nihilism. Within minutes they announced that Uncyclopedia will build a refugee camp for the Esperanzians. "We laid out some newspaper on our backyard. It should be enough for tonight. We're still looking for some sticks to prop up a makeshift tent." Said one official.
This wasn't the first time the Wikipedian went after the Esperanzian. "We beaten their MfDs before. But they kept coming back." One battle-wary Esperanzian explains. "I hope they won't attack this place. We have no where else to go. We'd like to say thank you and award you guys with the original barnstar. If only they'd let us take our barnstar with us. All we have is love for you guys. And gals."
In a press conference, WP President Jimbo W. Wales calls the execution of the Esperanza Council "A great victory which would lead to a brighter future for Wikipedians and Esperanzians alike." Wikipedia is preparing for a five days of celebration of the eradication of Esperanza. "This was an evil regime, who who who kills their own people, builds weapons of mass destruction and harbors terrorist under the pretense of love. They were living in sin when they love one another. Especially when they use condoms or love another person of the same sex." says the Wikipedian president Jimbo W. Wales.
Their clothes tattered, their bodies drained of fluids, the Esperanzian lost the place they used to call home. The wikipedian turned it into a dumpsite where they throw away all articles they choose to delete. But for a moment, at least, they have a place to call home, even if it is only a piece of newspaper laid on someone's backyard. That is, until the Uncyclopedians got fed up with their power of love and kick them out of their planet.