UnNews:Uncyclopedia to go into partnership with Calif. police
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Uncyclopedia to go into partnership with Calif. police
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, May 1, 2016, 18:20:UTC)(
22 April 2009
UNCYCLOPEDIA, Uncyclopedia Tower, Manhattan -- World-famous Internet site Uncyclopedia, along with its respected UnNews service which has been rated the most trusted international news reporting agency for three years running, has announced today that it is shortly to form a partnership with the Mendocino County, California, police department.
"This is an auspicious occasion for us," says police chief Theo P. Hoonduskles. "We have been seeking partnership arrangements with civilian organisations for some time, an agreement with an entity that has such a respectable public profile as that enjoyed by of Uncyclopedia will surely attract others."
The currently depressed worldwide economic climate has led to many law-enforcement agencies having to make cut-backs as government spending has been dramatically reduced, with the effect that many police departments now rely on outside companies to carry out tasks traditionally performed by officers. Mendocino County is no different and has suffered a number of cost-cutting measures in recent months, the latest of which was the closure of their illegal drugs disposal facility. "California has decriminalised the small-scale of production of marijuana for medical purposes," explains Chief Hoonduskles. "This means that anybody who has, for example, multiple sclerosis or crippling arthritis can grow a small number of marijuana plants for their own personal use, without fear of prosecution. However, we strictly monitor the amount that they produce so that there is insufficient for them to be able to illegally sell it to others who might wish to recreationally use the [drug]], which remains a criminal offence in the state."
Cannabis sativa - the biological name for the marijuana plant - is, despite what some people might have you believe, a very hardy weed which will grow just about anywhere, as any student who have ever grown a few examples on a damp flannel hidden behind a warm radiator will tell you. Once it becomes established, it will survive quite happily on its own - especially in a warm climate such as that enjoyed by Mendocino County, so growers frequently find that they have ended up with far larger crops than they intended to grow. If they then report this to the police, the excess will be removed and destroyed without the producer facing prosecution. "This has proved to be an effective arrangement," Hoonduskles says. "Growers have, on the whole, been very honest in reporting excess production. Unfortunately, due to the reduction in government spending and the high cost of security we needed to have in place around the drugs disposal facility, we were soon going to be forced to charge for this service, at a rate of $20 per pound. It was feared that this cost would discourage people from legally getting rid of their excess marijuana, and so we started to look around for a civilian partner to take over the service for us."
"We are very pleased to announce this arrangement which demonstrates our altruistic concern for society," says UnNews spokeswoman Rana Temporaria. Work began this morning on a secure disposal unit, expected to deal with over 600lb of excess crops annually, located on the top floor of the UnNews building, which is to be fitted out with various equipment necessary for the safe destruction of the drug. "The marijuana will be incinerated inside special devices which pump the smoke through a water-filled cooling chamber, after which it passes to our highly effective filtration units which, though compact, have a vast interior surface area and are highly effective at absorbing almost all of the smoke particles," says Ms. Temporaria. "The facility will also be equipped with a lava lamp, a fridge full of cold beer and chocolate bars and the entire back catalogue of records by Pink Floyd, Frank Zappa and Captain Beefheart."