UnNews:Uncyclopedia hides existence of kidnapped flower salesman
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Uncyclopedia hides existence of kidnapped flower salesman
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, May 26, 2015, 00:50 (UTC)
2 July 2009
Flowers United, Washington D.C. -- Having been stationed in Afghanistan for the past five years, flourist Anne Hulaschkowich spent the past seven months at the Taliban's headquarters, having been kidnapped by the terrorist organization in November last year. She was freed only recently. Anne Hulaschkowich is a famous person in Afghanistan, often selling flowers even in the midst of shootings. Allegedly she was kidnapped because she attempted (while not wearing a burka) to sell flowers to an al-Qaeda member.
After receiving the terrorists' tape showing the succesful kidnapping, Anne Hulaschkowich's superiors reacted by calling all news medias, begging them not to report the kidnapping of their flourist, as more media publicity would merely escalate the matter. Spokesperson for Flowers United, Kyre Mhiqucui, explains:
- »Anne Hulaschkowich's former involvement in the climate debate has made her an important person on the field of flower politics. If it wasn't for her, we would still burn used flowers instead of simply letting them rot. If various medias were to report her kidnapping, the evil terrorists would demand more to set her free.«
Keeping both The Times, CNN, BBC and others from reporting the matter was relatively easy. Even Wikipedia, normally known for not being capable of keeping information hidden, quickly understood that it was a matter of life or death and banned the editing of the flourist's wiki page. One source, however, was difficult to stop from revealing the truth: Uncyclopedia.
Uncyclopedia, specifically its UnNews section, started reporting the kidnapping within less than 24 hours. Uncyclopedia, like Wikipedia, had been contacted by Flowers United, but the Un-admins did not believe the matter to be important enough to issue a page freeze. »It sounded too serious.«, an anonymous Un-admin comments.
And it was serious.
Numerous UnNews reporters ignored their promise to only write fake news, and chose to instead deliver the unbearable truth. During the first week after the kidnapping took place, at least 30 articles about Anne Hulaschkowich appeared on UnNews, all articles telling the exact truth as true journalists always do. Flowers United once again contacted Uncyclopedia, this time threatening its news section to stop writing the truth. This resulted in a never-before-seen constant Big Brother-like state on Uncyclopedia, which lasted till only recently, when the flourist in question was released. During the past 6 months, Un-admins consequently manually deleted all articles about the flourist, at the same time banning the writing Un-users. Right now, more than 1000 accounts are in the process of re-activation.
In an short interview with a leading Un-admin, we get to know that all Un-admins are very sorry about what has happened, and that they would like to discuss with Un-users the future of the Uncyclopedian banning policy.
The only thing left is to hope that something like this will never happen again.