UnNews:Uncyclopedia bought by Wikia for 2 Wooden Nickels
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Uncyclopedia bought by Wikia for 2 Wooden Nickels
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, August 25, 2016, 18:43:UTC)(
11 July 2006
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The beloved internet humor site and vandal hangout Uncyclopedia has recently been purchased by the massive corporate conglomorate Wikia, under the despotic control of one Jimbo Wales. In what will go down in history as the most pointless corporate buyout ever, Wikia purchased the site from founder Oscar Wilde for the price of 2 wooden nickels and a promise to "treat him to lunch some time." Market analysts estimate that this price is much too high for the recently devalued Uncyclopedia.
The cash amount was desperately needed by Wilde to pay for court fees from his most recent Obscenity and Lewdness trial, his third of the year and seventeenth of all time.
The new management team promises 'big changes' for the humble internet community. From now on, all articles must pass a Political Correctness Examination and all Uncyclopedians must walk in a single file line, on the right side of the hall, say please and thank you, and raise their hand when they wish to speak, because when they talk out of turn, they disrupt the whole class, and we just can't have that, can we?
A strict No:FH (No Feelings Hurt) policy will be enacted immediately. All articles that hurt anyone's feelings will be replaced with pictures of cuddly, ethnically diverse, sexually ambigious, stuffed Bears. Users in violation of this policy will be banned, but in a nice way, so as not to hurt their feelings. They will be allowed back in if they give a 'special promise' not to be bad anymore.
All non-factual or opinionated articles will be strictly edited to remove any slanderous, untrue, or otherwise entertaining material.
But these administrative changes are not being enacted without a fight. The Old Order is giving the invading army all they can handle with their weapons. Rebel leader Rcmurphy said, in what was to become the battle cry for the underground fighters "If armed Wikipedians storm the complex, save the women and Euroipods first."
But Jimbo Wales is resolute about his new purchase: "Under our guiding hand, we'll turn this cesspool of filth and immorality, populated by cretins, into a fun, happy, website the whole family can enjoy together. Nothing will stop us from achieving this goal. Nothing."