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Uncyclopedia Reaches Out to Women

Truth doesn't "live here" — It's just camping out

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Saturday, December 15, 2018, 00:35:59 (UTC)

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16 October 2018

Thoma Loneliness

Ladies, don't you wish to help this lonely, naked man?

The World-Wide Web, The World --

The Uncyclopmedia Foundation is reaching out to potential female editors in a desperate attempt to speed up the web site's sputtering progress, while simultaneously addressing the loneliness and despair of the dwindling male stalwarts, the few who steadfastly refuse to give up trying to be funny and not just stupid.

"95% of our editors are male," stated president and Patron Saint of Uncyclopedia Oscar Wilde, "and the majority of those are adult men, judging by chronological age as opposed to writing style. Wilde, who turns 168 today, suggested that most of these men would be happier if more women were to join the site, "though," he added, "the status quo never bothered me personally." He pointed out that, in the current century, women do things such as writing, electrical engineering, customer manipulation (i.e., sales), and even producing humour - take Ellen DeGeneres (witty comedy) and Melania Trump (absurdity/satire), for example. "And if we bring in more women," he added, "naturally we can expect more men."

Critics accused the Foundation of jumping on the push-women-to-do-more-things-they-don't-want-to-in-the-name-of-equality bandwagon. The Foundation responded that women really did want to write for Uncyclopedia, and merely needed to be empowered to do so. No one asked any women what they wanted.

So we interviewed some women for this story. They generally expressed interest until they started reading the web site's articles. Typical responses were, "You want to empower me to do THAT?"; "No wonder you get mostly guys"; and "I hear Rosanne has some time on her hands."

Various strategies are now under consideration. It was suggested that Uncyclopedians threaten to vandalize Wikipedia articles en masse (by editing them) until Jimbo Wales sent over one hundred female editors. This idea was abandoned when it was realized that Uncyclopedia editors would improve, rather that reduce, the quality of Wikipedia articles. Alternately, the idea to create "women needed" and "support equality" graphics, complete with hangers and things, for VFP was put aside because it would take six years to get the pictures featured.

The current plan is to apply for funding under Theresa May's drug-free, medicare loneliness plan, which means in a few years doctors may be able to write prescriptions for people to contribute to Uncyclopedia. This is expected to be followed by prescriptions for valium and various other drugs to recover from the experience.

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