UnNews:UnNews unveils video news broadcasts
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1 December 2006
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UnNews Pirate News
UnNews Secret Headquarters -- UnNews, a leading provider of misinformation around the world, has unveiled a new video broadcasting system. Previously limited to text and audio-based media, UnNews joins the likes of CNN and Al-Jazeera in the lucrative business of TV news coverage. The first broadcast of the UnNews Pirate News, featuring renowned anchors Composure1 and Annyang the Bear, beat all three major networks during the 6:30 p.m. primetime slot on Thursday.
Although Uncyclopedia, the parent company of wholly-owned subsidiary UnNews, hadn't officially announced the new offering until today, everyone knew something was in the works because of 2 pre-production videos that were leaked to YouTube during the past few weeks. The innovative qualities of the videos reportedly sent News Corp. CEO Rupert Murdoch into a panic, and he scrambled to think of ways to keep his Fox News division competitive.
UnNews officials assure customers that this new media service will in no way detract from the quality of the site's current offerings. Chief editor Zim_ulator announced, "Our writers will continue to provide up-to-the-minute misinformation on our main site, as well as audio recordings of each day's top stories." He also emphasized that all staff would remain unpaid serfs, will all profits going to the purchase of new equipment for the video broadcasts. The recordings are already being made with a state-of-the-art Canon Powershot digital camera, and edited in top-of-the-line Windows Movie Maker software.
Anchors for the program were carefully selected after months of interviews. Composure1 is a Foolitzer-prize winning writer, while Annyang the Bear is a white tiger who was raised by bears as a child. The dual-anchor format hasn't been tried in the long term on a prime time news program since the failed Dan Rather & Connie Chung pairing on CBS; but insiders have high hopes for Composure1 and Annyang. "They have a lot in common," revealed fellow broadcaster Mordillo, "for example, they are both mammals."
The future of the fledging UnNews Pirate News is uncertain, but all involved have high hopes. Executive Producer Teddy the Bear optimistically explained, "We want to make a newscast about once a week," later clarifying, "and by 'once a week' I mean 'whenever we actually feel like it.'" One thing is for sure though - there will be no broadcasts on Pastafarian holidays - both anchors are devout followers of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
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