UnNews unveils video news broadcasts
Straight talk, from straight faces
Friday, July 20, 2018, 16:25:UTC)(
1 December 2006
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UnNews Pirate News
UnNews Secret Headquarters -- UnNews, a leading provider of misinformation around the world, has unveiled a new video broadcasting system. Previously limited to text and audio-based media, UnNews joins the likes of CNN and Al-Jazeera in the lucrative business of TV news coverage. The first broadcast of the UnNews Pirate News, featuring renowned anchors Composure1 and Annyang the Bear, beat all three major networks during the 6:30 p.m. primetime slot on Thursday.
Although Uncyclopedia, the parent company of wholly-owned subsidiary UnNews, hadn't officially announced the new offering until today, everyone knew something was in the works because of 2 pre-production videos that were leaked to YouTube during the past few weeks. The innovative qualities of the videos reportedly sent News Corp. CEO Rupert Murdoch into a panic, and he scrambled to think of ways to keep his Fox News division competitive.
UnNews officials assure customers that this new media service will in no way detract from the quality of the site's current offerings. Chief editor Zim_ulator announced, "Our writers will continue to provide up-to-the-minute misinformation on our main site, as well as audio recordings of each day's top stories." He also emphasized that all staff would remain unpaid serfs, will all profits going to the purchase of new equipment for the video broadcasts. The recordings are already being made with a state-of-the-art Canon Powershot digital camera, and edited in top-of-the-line Windows Movie Maker software.
Anchors for the program were carefully selected after months of interviews. Composure1 is a Foolitzer-prize winning writer, while Annyang the Bear is a white tiger who was raised by bears as a child. The dual-anchor format hasn't been tried in the long term on a prime time news program since the failed Dan Rather & Connie Chung pairing on CBS; but insiders have high hopes for Composure1 and Annyang. "They have a lot in common," revealed fellow broadcaster Mordillo, "for example, they are both mammals."
The future of the fledging UnNews Pirate News is uncertain, but all involved have high hopes. Executive Producer Teddy the Bear optimistically explained, "We want to make a newscast about once a week," later clarifying, "and by 'once a week' I mean 'whenever we actually feel like it.'" One thing is for sure though - there will be no broadcasts on Pastafarian holidays - both anchors are devout followers of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
Started on 1 November 2005, UnNews is currently the world's fastest-growing, most current, and largest wiki-powered source of misinformation (or, actually, the only wiki-powered source of misinformation to date). It is created entirely by
brainwashed minions trained pigeons who make up stuff, staff, and events in a collaborationist process.
UnNews's content is written for a general audience, and is continually being revised for
subliminal messages satire, shock, and inaccuracy. Original text, images and sounds contributed to UnNews are licensed under the CC-something license, because the contributors really, really don't mind if a man in Nicaragua steals redistributes the results of their hard work, as long as they know he won't be able to earn the millions of dollars they never did. Subject to certain contradictions.
The Uncyclomedia Foundation is a non-profit corporation that is a wholly owned subsidiary of a for-profit corporation, and yes, it does not make much sense. It was founded in 1860 to preserve the wisdom of man against the coming darkness, and to provide the full
crap contents of its projects free of change charge.
The Foundation recently concluded a a fund drive which raised over US$351,000 to
bribe policemen and continue putting copyright infringement letters into a paper shredder buy Chron a new Ferrari Enzo.
For questions and interviews, please contact (in British only):
Oscar Wilde, Stool, Board of Conspirators, Uncyclomedia Foundation
Phone: +1 (234) 567-89AB